Today was one of those days!
So dinky was up at 4.30am courtesy of our noisy neighbour downstairs. She was dressed and breakfasted at 6.30am. Got to school at 8.20, did the phonics and off I went.
I got a phone call from B again telling me what I ought to do while I apply for jobs, so much so my new response to her when she goes off on one "ah huh, yep, good idea, yeah I will look into it" and repeat!
Got home, tidied up and cleaned the floor, waited for the mind advocate to discuss my issues with the mental health nurse. She was really nice and she asked me to go through our appointments chronologically and tell her any little comments or anything that made me uncomfortable and we would discard anything that we agree is not really a big issue. When I told her some of the stuff S had said S was very inappropriate and I had every right to feel aggrieved. I told her how she can be very contradictory in what she says, I gave 3 examples, apparently there is no wonder I get confused by the mixed messages. The advocate asked me about my care plan. My response "what care plan?", according to he the advocate I'm supposed to be involved in my care and treatment. That's a laugh!
She ran through the options. I could:
Talk to her in the appointment for tomorrow at 9.30am but work on bullet points with the advocate
Rearrange the appointment and have the advocate present
Cancel the appointment and try to change mental health nurse without advocates help
Cancel the appointment and try to change mental health nurse with advocates help
Make a formal complaint
I opted for cancel appointment and change mental health nurse with advocates help, without making a formal complaint.
So after the major confusion as to which office S actually answers to out of the two offices she is attached to, we manage to cancel the appointment and ask how to go about changing nurses. I have to write a letter to the manager of the nurse practitioners. So we worked out exactly what to say, the advocate is going to type it up and bring it round for me to sign tomorrow. Normally I'd do it myself, but I have enough to deal with. It's different, to let someone else help, odd and uncomfortable, but it is one less thing for me to have to deal with. The advocate even gave her number to the CMHT. S phoned and left a message on the advocates phone. She is going to fob S off until the paper work goes in to change nurses. Awkward and severely uncomfortable situation avoided!
Went to get dinky from school. On the way home we get some carrots to feed the horse she rode on Sunday and the other horse in the field. I broke the carrots up and dinky fed the horses. All was well until the white horse sniffed dinky's hand and chomped hard. I heard a pop and dinky scream I instantly tried to grab dinky's hand but the horse wouldn't let go. I instinctively tapped it on the nose and shouted "OFF!". The horse let go, dinky was screaming. Her hand was bleeding, and It was swelling. I called a cab. We got to the hospital at 4.10pm. Went to X-ray at 5, got back from X-ray at 6 got seen by the doc at 7. Luckily it wasn't broken,they redressed the wound, gave her antibiotics, and warned of the dangers of getting it wet as the risk of infection given that it was an animal bite that broke the skin.
B called as we left the hospital. Apparently I shouldn't send dinky to school tomorrow, to give her a chance to rest. Seriously does she not think I can make ANY decisions for myself? Honestly! Her kid has a 60% attendance rate and the only reason they are not reviewing the circumstances is because her daughter is not 5, therefore not compulsory school age yet.
Dinky spent the whole time waiting for X-ray and waiting for the doc messing about and causing mayhem. A couple of times she caught her hand on something, and stopped for maybe 10 seconds but was straight back in there. No broken bones, able to play = able to go to school! She has antibiotics, and calpol, she will be fine. If she isn't, she can come home.
I phoned my dad to let him know about dinky's accident. He agreed with me, she'll be ok to go to school and the school will phone if she isn't.
So we will see how she gets on tomorrow!
No appointment tomorrow so all good.... Still waiting on post or phone calls for everything else!
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Monday, 7 January 2013
So today was the breast clinic appointment.
After taking dinky to school, trying to get her to do her phonics without causing a major disruption from her ultra sulk, pulling her away from the door so people could get in and out, and leaving her with mrs C (which dinky was not impressed with as she normally has mrs H as her TA) in floods of tears, I set off for breakfast. I met with my friend B who has done all this before but she didn't remember that I had the appointment today. After yesterday, her telling me to search all the places to get a job, I couldn't be bothered to remind her. I ate my breakfast in silence while she went off on one telling me where I should be looking for work and what I should be doing with my life.
After I got the bus to town and walked up to the hospital. I started to feel a little anxious about the examination and had to get my book out to distract myself but my heart wasn't in it. I was taken in to see the doc pretty quickly. For the life of me I could work out why they had a separate changing room, seeing as she was about to have her hands all over my breasts, I didn't see why they couldn't see me get undressed. So I came out and she asked me where the lump was and felt it her self, she spend a good 5 minutes checking every cm of the breasts. I had to block out the intrusive memories, but it was better than flashbacks. I got dressed, she asked my medical history and if there was cancer in the family. She told me she couldn't work out what it was but ran through the list of what it could be.
Lymph node- maybe
Fibro something or other- possibly
Cancer- unlikely but can't rule it out
She didn't think it was a cyst because the shape was wrong. It wasn't circular, or smooth.
Apparently because of Christmas and new year the ultrasound department were only taking follow ups and mammogram discrepancies. So I would get an appointment for a scan in the next couple of weeks and she was going to ask for a biopsy so they can be sure the diagnosis is correct. I preferred not knowing the next bit, "they will have to give you local anaesthetic to the breast because it is quite a wide needle to get what they need". Now I'm not scared of needles and biopsy could have meant small needle or big needle, there was no need to squash the hope it was a small one!
And that was that. 10 minutes.
So a letter should come in the post. So that is something else to look out for.
Bidding day today, 2 houses in the wrong areas so wait another week to see if something comes up.
No news on anything else that I am waiting for.
The mind advocate will be here at 11.30 tomorrow to discuss my options with the nurse. My appointment with the nurse is on Wednesday so we will see how that goes. I'm really not up for a fight on this one. I've been irritable enough lately without having a discussion about considering other peoples feeling with a nurse who's job it is to help people. I get the feeling she is from a nice middle class family who expected her to go to uni and she decided to do nursing as it is a good profession to get into. Mental health nursing doesn't require getting your hands dirty so here she is. She doesn't seem all that experienced, she had to look up antidepressants in the medicine book. If she was experienced you would think she would know her antidepressant drugs being a mental health nurse.
So this week is going to be one of those weeks!
More job hunting to keep me busy and I stop smoking from tomorrow!
Wish me luck! :)
After I got the bus to town and walked up to the hospital. I started to feel a little anxious about the examination and had to get my book out to distract myself but my heart wasn't in it. I was taken in to see the doc pretty quickly. For the life of me I could work out why they had a separate changing room, seeing as she was about to have her hands all over my breasts, I didn't see why they couldn't see me get undressed. So I came out and she asked me where the lump was and felt it her self, she spend a good 5 minutes checking every cm of the breasts. I had to block out the intrusive memories, but it was better than flashbacks. I got dressed, she asked my medical history and if there was cancer in the family. She told me she couldn't work out what it was but ran through the list of what it could be.
Lymph node- maybe
Fibro something or other- possibly
Cancer- unlikely but can't rule it out
She didn't think it was a cyst because the shape was wrong. It wasn't circular, or smooth.
Apparently because of Christmas and new year the ultrasound department were only taking follow ups and mammogram discrepancies. So I would get an appointment for a scan in the next couple of weeks and she was going to ask for a biopsy so they can be sure the diagnosis is correct. I preferred not knowing the next bit, "they will have to give you local anaesthetic to the breast because it is quite a wide needle to get what they need". Now I'm not scared of needles and biopsy could have meant small needle or big needle, there was no need to squash the hope it was a small one!
And that was that. 10 minutes.
So a letter should come in the post. So that is something else to look out for.
Bidding day today, 2 houses in the wrong areas so wait another week to see if something comes up.
No news on anything else that I am waiting for.
The mind advocate will be here at 11.30 tomorrow to discuss my options with the nurse. My appointment with the nurse is on Wednesday so we will see how that goes. I'm really not up for a fight on this one. I've been irritable enough lately without having a discussion about considering other peoples feeling with a nurse who's job it is to help people. I get the feeling she is from a nice middle class family who expected her to go to uni and she decided to do nursing as it is a good profession to get into. Mental health nursing doesn't require getting your hands dirty so here she is. She doesn't seem all that experienced, she had to look up antidepressants in the medicine book. If she was experienced you would think she would know her antidepressant drugs being a mental health nurse.
So this week is going to be one of those weeks!
More job hunting to keep me busy and I stop smoking from tomorrow!
Wish me luck! :)
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Why do other people feel they have the right to tell me how to live my life?
It probably doesn't help that I have not been in the best of moods lately, but where do people get off telling me what jobs I should take, where I should take them and when?
Isn't it enough that I'm homeless, waiting for appointments left right and centre because my entire world has crashed down around me in 2012? Obviously not.
It seems that I must not only deal with everything I have got on but I must also look for employment and deal with things in the right manner. Apparently I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to go into periods of depression. I have to just handle it like nothing affects me or my daughter. Everyone is quite happy when I am hyper, unless I go too hyper and as long as I don't embarrass them in public.
I'm sick of living by everyone else's rules my feelings be damned!
This is why it was easier when I wasn't aware of the extent as to how I was being used and manipulated. Ignorance can be bliss, because knowing that the way people treat me is wrong just leads to anger that everyone says in unacceptable. Well fuck you very much!
I'm also sick of people trying to fix things. Get a job here, get a job there. It's ok for you love, you have qualifications and a ten ton of experience in your field that most people wouldn't consider as a job to go for. How many times do I have to explain it?
I don't have qualifications and can't work weekends, all I have is 5 years experience working for one of the most disrespected companies in retail.
All the entry level jobs for offices ect are going to 16-25 year old apprenticeships. Which means the company can pay a pittance in wages while the person is under apprenticeship. Why would they pay more for someone just as inexperienced as those they will pay next to nothing for?
I can't go into education because the job centre expect me to look for work in february, and that is without the fact that sometimes my concentration is so low/go through periods of depression that there is no way I would be able to pass a course.
I'm not too bothered about the type of job I do. The only jobs I wouldnt consider are a carer and a waitress. Carer because I don't think I could handle working with older people and changing their adult nappies or helping them to the toilet or bathing them. Firstly I'd probably gag at the smell of adult excrement, and I don't think I could deal with washing naked people.
A lack of concentration and poor handwriting would rule me out of waitressing. Plus there is the added fact that most of that work is evening and weekend work.
I've looked at McDonald's, burger king, Tesco, asda, sainsburys, morrisons, Iceland, marks and Spenser, BHS, debenhams, hmv, mothercare, Disney store, next, currys, hobby craft, clarks, blacks, cex, Argos, tkmaxx, the entertainer, toy barnhaus, the early learning centre, superdry, boots, the apple store, Vodafone, ee, waterstones, whsmith, and more. Only one or two had vacancies and all required weekends.
I have applied for a job doing laundry at a care home because they don't need weekends as a rule. I have applied for other jobs which I probably won't get because of the amount of people applying who have relevant experience or better availability.
Stop telling me what I can and can't do. I am fully aware of my options! They just happen to be more limited than you know. It's not like I'm not trying! It's not like I'm saying I'm going to do what I can to get signed off. It's not like I'm actually giving in to the situations I find myself in at the moment! The whole thing is going to be a nightmare, logistics, moving, dinky. It won't be easy but I'm not saying I won't do anything.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people telling what to do, how to act. I've spent my whole life putting up with it. You don't like how I am? Do one! I don't need more people controlling me, pitying me, looking down on me and patronising me. I've had my fill of that. Join the back of the long line and wait your turn for your pop at me. Just don't expect me to be fucking grateful for it!
"your doing the best you can and you can't expect anymore of yourself". No? So why do you and everyone else expect more from me? Why am I not allowed to say I'm not doing very well? Why am I not allowed to cave under the pressure? What makes me so special that I should be able to continue to (quote from another person) "no matter what life throws at you, you still manage to behave with dignity and compassion."? Why can't I fall apart?
Oh no, I have to maintain this stupid illusion of being strong and capable of getting through anything, just to make everyone else feel better!
It would be nice if one of these people took stock of everything going on and said "you know what? Your situation sucks, but you can do this." and instead of trying to fix things with comments that don't apply to the situation or them being ignorant of the way these things work, they ask "is there anything you can do/ what are you doing?" Rather than assuming I don't know what I'm doing. It's patronising. I'm not a child, I know what I can and can't do in all of the situations, I don't need your comments which make me feel I have to argue my point because you are wrong. Then you get the hump because I'm being argumentative.
Fuck the lot of you! You get on with your lives and let me worry about how I'm going to get myself out if this mess I AM IN. That's right, Me not you! You all know what one or two of the situations are like, but not all at the same time. Yet the things you are advising me on you know nothing about!
Rant over.... If only I was strong enough to say these things to the people who need to hear them!
Isn't it enough that I'm homeless, waiting for appointments left right and centre because my entire world has crashed down around me in 2012? Obviously not.
It seems that I must not only deal with everything I have got on but I must also look for employment and deal with things in the right manner. Apparently I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to go into periods of depression. I have to just handle it like nothing affects me or my daughter. Everyone is quite happy when I am hyper, unless I go too hyper and as long as I don't embarrass them in public.
I'm sick of living by everyone else's rules my feelings be damned!
This is why it was easier when I wasn't aware of the extent as to how I was being used and manipulated. Ignorance can be bliss, because knowing that the way people treat me is wrong just leads to anger that everyone says in unacceptable. Well fuck you very much!
I'm also sick of people trying to fix things. Get a job here, get a job there. It's ok for you love, you have qualifications and a ten ton of experience in your field that most people wouldn't consider as a job to go for. How many times do I have to explain it?
I don't have qualifications and can't work weekends, all I have is 5 years experience working for one of the most disrespected companies in retail.
All the entry level jobs for offices ect are going to 16-25 year old apprenticeships. Which means the company can pay a pittance in wages while the person is under apprenticeship. Why would they pay more for someone just as inexperienced as those they will pay next to nothing for?
I can't go into education because the job centre expect me to look for work in february, and that is without the fact that sometimes my concentration is so low/go through periods of depression that there is no way I would be able to pass a course.
I'm not too bothered about the type of job I do. The only jobs I wouldnt consider are a carer and a waitress. Carer because I don't think I could handle working with older people and changing their adult nappies or helping them to the toilet or bathing them. Firstly I'd probably gag at the smell of adult excrement, and I don't think I could deal with washing naked people.
A lack of concentration and poor handwriting would rule me out of waitressing. Plus there is the added fact that most of that work is evening and weekend work.
I've looked at McDonald's, burger king, Tesco, asda, sainsburys, morrisons, Iceland, marks and Spenser, BHS, debenhams, hmv, mothercare, Disney store, next, currys, hobby craft, clarks, blacks, cex, Argos, tkmaxx, the entertainer, toy barnhaus, the early learning centre, superdry, boots, the apple store, Vodafone, ee, waterstones, whsmith, and more. Only one or two had vacancies and all required weekends.
I have applied for a job doing laundry at a care home because they don't need weekends as a rule. I have applied for other jobs which I probably won't get because of the amount of people applying who have relevant experience or better availability.
Stop telling me what I can and can't do. I am fully aware of my options! They just happen to be more limited than you know. It's not like I'm not trying! It's not like I'm saying I'm going to do what I can to get signed off. It's not like I'm actually giving in to the situations I find myself in at the moment! The whole thing is going to be a nightmare, logistics, moving, dinky. It won't be easy but I'm not saying I won't do anything.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people telling what to do, how to act. I've spent my whole life putting up with it. You don't like how I am? Do one! I don't need more people controlling me, pitying me, looking down on me and patronising me. I've had my fill of that. Join the back of the long line and wait your turn for your pop at me. Just don't expect me to be fucking grateful for it!
"your doing the best you can and you can't expect anymore of yourself". No? So why do you and everyone else expect more from me? Why am I not allowed to say I'm not doing very well? Why am I not allowed to cave under the pressure? What makes me so special that I should be able to continue to (quote from another person) "no matter what life throws at you, you still manage to behave with dignity and compassion."? Why can't I fall apart?
Oh no, I have to maintain this stupid illusion of being strong and capable of getting through anything, just to make everyone else feel better!
It would be nice if one of these people took stock of everything going on and said "you know what? Your situation sucks, but you can do this." and instead of trying to fix things with comments that don't apply to the situation or them being ignorant of the way these things work, they ask "is there anything you can do/ what are you doing?" Rather than assuming I don't know what I'm doing. It's patronising. I'm not a child, I know what I can and can't do in all of the situations, I don't need your comments which make me feel I have to argue my point because you are wrong. Then you get the hump because I'm being argumentative.
Fuck the lot of you! You get on with your lives and let me worry about how I'm going to get myself out if this mess I AM IN. That's right, Me not you! You all know what one or two of the situations are like, but not all at the same time. Yet the things you are advising me on you know nothing about!
Rant over.... If only I was strong enough to say these things to the people who need to hear them!
Friday, 4 January 2013
Setting the world to rights with my dad! And clinic appointment comes through....
It's odd how myself and my dad talk late on the phone for hours yet we barely talk when face to face. It might have something to do with the fact he can't get stoned at my place and I can't go to his.
Today's topic of conversation: privatisation within the NHS, government legislation, Tory government being generally awful when it comes to work and jobs, labour becoming more Tory as time went on and various other Tory bashing expected from working class citizens of not so great at the moment Britain.
Sub topics due to various sidetracks and frustrations: middle class feel hard done by, private companies/management, retail and the economy, 4x4 cars, rail fares, racism and the person who made us homeless.
All in all a 3 hour conversation which I doubt many could follow logically but my dad gets how I work by now!
He will come up tomorrow, play with dinky for a bit, play Xbox with me, barely talk, almost fall asleep after dinner, and then go home. In this time conversation is limited to football and dinky's attempts at getting a conversation out of him. Which I sit back and smile at, why? Because she will have to wait until she is old enough for a mobile phone to have any quality conversation with him. Sad but true.
Don't get me wrong I love my dad, we have an odd relationship in the sense that both of us are not exactly sure who is the parent and regularly go through periods of trying to establish our roles. He will go through phases of only being able to feel like a parent if he is buying me things or taking care of something I am quite capable of doing myself and would prefer to do myself. I will go through phases of asking for his help on a number of occasions when I'm pretty sure I already have the answers but I either need confirmation from a parent figure that I have the right ideas. Or if I feel like I've been the parent for a while and need a break... someone to tell me the right thing to do and then rebel against it almost like a teenager.
This (in his words) all stems back from him walking out when I was 5, which meant I was very young and dependant, and him coming back into my life when I was 13 and independent from years of having to be. I get that but feel he sort of missed out the central bit and sometimes doesn't realise that I grew up in that time, he keeps trying to recreate opportunities to be involved in my becoming independent. I try not to remind him that that particular ship sailed about 15-20 years ago.
I find our relationship is also difficult because of the guilt and blame game. Not that either of us make it into a game but he feels guilty for leaving me in the house with a woman he knew full well to have a violent nature and that I was always getting the blame for things when he was there. And I still hold that little bit of blame for him leaving for those exact reasons. I try not to let it get in the way of the here and now but it is like we both know it is there. He knows that is why I don't trust him implicitly. I suppose it's been better since I had dinky but I don't think our relationship can evolve past this. I'm ok with the way things are, he isn't, and we are both aware that it is a little odd the way things work. Obviously there are many more factors that haven't been mentioned when it comes to the dynamics of a parent/ grown up child relationship. I suppose what clouds that more is the fact that I was almost like a grown up at 13 and apart from being a little more confident and being a parent myself and the responsibilities that entails, I haven't really changed (and I look about 15/16 which doesn't help) 13 years later.
All of this conversation and the one thing on my mind more than else was a letter I received today. My breast clinic appointment is for Monday.
I am surprisingly quite calm about it at the moment. I was shocked that the letter came today and the appointment is in 3 days. I'm sure Sunday when it is just me and dinky and when dinky goes to bed I will start to get anxious about it. I have been trying to prepare myself for it the best I can. I know they will want to examine me and I'm prepared in the knowledge that it might be more than once if I have to go for tests same day. I am aware that no results will be given same day. So there is no need to focus on that. I have already come to conclusions about the outcomes. I have plans for every eventuality, including what is most likely and the opposite of what is worst case scenario.
I have told one online friend and the mum at the school I have been friendly with about the lump.
Both times to begin with I got the impression they thought my most immediate fear was that I had cancer. No, actually I haven't been too concerned and only made a plan because it is one of the possibilities. Both seemed quite taken aback. One understood the other didn't. Why? One knows I was sexually abused the other doesn't. It is odd how that one piece of information changes the same conversation. I got some great practical advice for the examinations by the online friend. And some great outcome advice from the mum especially seeing as she has been through all this before but actually had breast cancer. I should have asked her more about what happens in the appointment and had been meaning to but I only found out about the referral just before the Christmas break and the first week was christmas and the day after boxing day she was admitted to hospital for pneumonia and only got out of hospital last night. I might ask her tomorrow or Sunday evening so that I can prepare fully and know what is likely to happen.
The unknown is what generates so much fear in most situations that people find fearful. The most common fear is of the death, naturally. The fear isn't necessarily dying itself it is not knowing how, or when, or what happens when you die. Is that it lights out? Is there really a god? Are there such things as ghosts or the afterlife, or reincarnation. It's the questions we can't answer. The other big fear.. The dark. Again fear of the unknown. Anything can be in the dark, oh can't see and you don't know what is coming or what is going to happen. Unknown=fear.
I had a conversation in which the brain not liking being unable to have answers for its questions. Our brains are so amazing it fill in the gaps for us. Normally it does what it needs to survive and it is not always the most well thought out as it is doing this work on its own. In this context the brain will make the unknown scary so that we stay away from it. The darkness means monsters and isolation. Death means pain and suffering. So we avoid the situations for survival purposes. Anxiety leads the way in these scenarios. It makes sure we don't do anything to put ourselves at risk of (further) damage, by creating symptoms that make us extremely uncomfortable.
I almost forgot the point about fear and anxiety there.
So this anxiety that will no doubt build up over the weekend is about the unknown, not just about how the appointment works but also will I or won't I see those who abused me in my mind during or after the examination. My brain is creating anxiety in self protection.
I have to battle this anxiety by being clear about the appointment and how it works and preparing myself to block out even the very beginnings of intrusive thoughts or memories. I have to be strict and have an alternative in mind. Eminem songs normally keep me grounded. So I will be picking a song in the next day so that I don't get too bored by it. Listen to it over and over again and learn the words back to front. I know most of the words to most of his songs but to know every word will help me recreate it in my mind and listen to it while the examination takes place. I might have to practice on dinky and try to recall the song while she is talking to me and answer her without losing focus on the song.
So we will see how it goes....
Today's topic of conversation: privatisation within the NHS, government legislation, Tory government being generally awful when it comes to work and jobs, labour becoming more Tory as time went on and various other Tory bashing expected from working class citizens of not so great at the moment Britain.
Sub topics due to various sidetracks and frustrations: middle class feel hard done by, private companies/management, retail and the economy, 4x4 cars, rail fares, racism and the person who made us homeless.
All in all a 3 hour conversation which I doubt many could follow logically but my dad gets how I work by now!
He will come up tomorrow, play with dinky for a bit, play Xbox with me, barely talk, almost fall asleep after dinner, and then go home. In this time conversation is limited to football and dinky's attempts at getting a conversation out of him. Which I sit back and smile at, why? Because she will have to wait until she is old enough for a mobile phone to have any quality conversation with him. Sad but true.
Don't get me wrong I love my dad, we have an odd relationship in the sense that both of us are not exactly sure who is the parent and regularly go through periods of trying to establish our roles. He will go through phases of only being able to feel like a parent if he is buying me things or taking care of something I am quite capable of doing myself and would prefer to do myself. I will go through phases of asking for his help on a number of occasions when I'm pretty sure I already have the answers but I either need confirmation from a parent figure that I have the right ideas. Or if I feel like I've been the parent for a while and need a break... someone to tell me the right thing to do and then rebel against it almost like a teenager.
This (in his words) all stems back from him walking out when I was 5, which meant I was very young and dependant, and him coming back into my life when I was 13 and independent from years of having to be. I get that but feel he sort of missed out the central bit and sometimes doesn't realise that I grew up in that time, he keeps trying to recreate opportunities to be involved in my becoming independent. I try not to remind him that that particular ship sailed about 15-20 years ago.
I find our relationship is also difficult because of the guilt and blame game. Not that either of us make it into a game but he feels guilty for leaving me in the house with a woman he knew full well to have a violent nature and that I was always getting the blame for things when he was there. And I still hold that little bit of blame for him leaving for those exact reasons. I try not to let it get in the way of the here and now but it is like we both know it is there. He knows that is why I don't trust him implicitly. I suppose it's been better since I had dinky but I don't think our relationship can evolve past this. I'm ok with the way things are, he isn't, and we are both aware that it is a little odd the way things work. Obviously there are many more factors that haven't been mentioned when it comes to the dynamics of a parent/ grown up child relationship. I suppose what clouds that more is the fact that I was almost like a grown up at 13 and apart from being a little more confident and being a parent myself and the responsibilities that entails, I haven't really changed (and I look about 15/16 which doesn't help) 13 years later.
All of this conversation and the one thing on my mind more than else was a letter I received today. My breast clinic appointment is for Monday.
I am surprisingly quite calm about it at the moment. I was shocked that the letter came today and the appointment is in 3 days. I'm sure Sunday when it is just me and dinky and when dinky goes to bed I will start to get anxious about it. I have been trying to prepare myself for it the best I can. I know they will want to examine me and I'm prepared in the knowledge that it might be more than once if I have to go for tests same day. I am aware that no results will be given same day. So there is no need to focus on that. I have already come to conclusions about the outcomes. I have plans for every eventuality, including what is most likely and the opposite of what is worst case scenario.
I have told one online friend and the mum at the school I have been friendly with about the lump.
Both times to begin with I got the impression they thought my most immediate fear was that I had cancer. No, actually I haven't been too concerned and only made a plan because it is one of the possibilities. Both seemed quite taken aback. One understood the other didn't. Why? One knows I was sexually abused the other doesn't. It is odd how that one piece of information changes the same conversation. I got some great practical advice for the examinations by the online friend. And some great outcome advice from the mum especially seeing as she has been through all this before but actually had breast cancer. I should have asked her more about what happens in the appointment and had been meaning to but I only found out about the referral just before the Christmas break and the first week was christmas and the day after boxing day she was admitted to hospital for pneumonia and only got out of hospital last night. I might ask her tomorrow or Sunday evening so that I can prepare fully and know what is likely to happen.
The unknown is what generates so much fear in most situations that people find fearful. The most common fear is of the death, naturally. The fear isn't necessarily dying itself it is not knowing how, or when, or what happens when you die. Is that it lights out? Is there really a god? Are there such things as ghosts or the afterlife, or reincarnation. It's the questions we can't answer. The other big fear.. The dark. Again fear of the unknown. Anything can be in the dark, oh can't see and you don't know what is coming or what is going to happen. Unknown=fear.
I had a conversation in which the brain not liking being unable to have answers for its questions. Our brains are so amazing it fill in the gaps for us. Normally it does what it needs to survive and it is not always the most well thought out as it is doing this work on its own. In this context the brain will make the unknown scary so that we stay away from it. The darkness means monsters and isolation. Death means pain and suffering. So we avoid the situations for survival purposes. Anxiety leads the way in these scenarios. It makes sure we don't do anything to put ourselves at risk of (further) damage, by creating symptoms that make us extremely uncomfortable.
I almost forgot the point about fear and anxiety there.
So this anxiety that will no doubt build up over the weekend is about the unknown, not just about how the appointment works but also will I or won't I see those who abused me in my mind during or after the examination. My brain is creating anxiety in self protection.
I have to battle this anxiety by being clear about the appointment and how it works and preparing myself to block out even the very beginnings of intrusive thoughts or memories. I have to be strict and have an alternative in mind. Eminem songs normally keep me grounded. So I will be picking a song in the next day so that I don't get too bored by it. Listen to it over and over again and learn the words back to front. I know most of the words to most of his songs but to know every word will help me recreate it in my mind and listen to it while the examination takes place. I might have to practice on dinky and try to recall the song while she is talking to me and answer her without losing focus on the song.
So we will see how it goes....
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Isn't it Monday yet?
Don't get me wrong I love dinky so much it sometimes hurts. But with the rain soaked playgrounds and my general irritability means we were 'home' today. One of the most annoying things about being here is that there is no room for dinky to play. She has her little table squeezed in-between her bed and the radiator in front of the wardrobe but all I hear all. The time is crash bang wallop. We played a couple of games of angry birds frustration but I really wasn't in the mood for playing mike the knight or avengers (which entails dinky getting her hulk toy to "hulk smash" everything in sight including my hands). I went along with it for a while, but I was getting frustrated by dinky's aggression. We went for a walk to the shop but seeing as dinky saw it as freedom she wasn't exactly well behaved, which did nothing for my irritable mood.
I just can't wait for school to start again on Monday. She can be with her friends, play, run around and generally be a kid. I can't wait until we get our own place. She can play on her room or on the floor (she can't play on the floor here because there is no carpet and it isn't worth the aggro from the woman downstairs. Re noise). Why can't I be in the happy hyper mood? It would be so much easier, like the October holidays, I was in the mood to play all the time and it didn't matter what game it was I'd get involved. However much I want to force myself to get involved today I couldn't do it without feeling irritated. I know this is all unfair on dinky. You never know February half term might see happy hyper back.
I never really paid much attention to my moods before the MHN pointed it out. I would have just said I was tired. But I am not tired, I'm irritable but I have energy even with only 3 hours sleep. Tomorrow I have to pretend to be happy and fun for a couple of hours. Dinky has been invited to soft play by one of the kids she used to go to Playgroup with. I can't deny her the opportunity to run around for 2 hours. Then my dad comes up saturday. I'm hoping if i ask nicely he will take dinky out for a bit of one to one time. I don't think it is supposed to rain Saturday. He confuses me though because he will say I don't ask for his help often enough but when I do ask him he moans and doesn't help.
Waiting again until Monday to put in another housing bid. This week the only one was down the road from where we are now, which is no good because it is too far away from the school.
No post yet with info on everything else I'm waiting to hear for.
I'm going to watch tv, and some films, and possibly play the Xbox
I just can't wait for school to start again on Monday. She can be with her friends, play, run around and generally be a kid. I can't wait until we get our own place. She can play on her room or on the floor (she can't play on the floor here because there is no carpet and it isn't worth the aggro from the woman downstairs. Re noise). Why can't I be in the happy hyper mood? It would be so much easier, like the October holidays, I was in the mood to play all the time and it didn't matter what game it was I'd get involved. However much I want to force myself to get involved today I couldn't do it without feeling irritated. I know this is all unfair on dinky. You never know February half term might see happy hyper back.
I never really paid much attention to my moods before the MHN pointed it out. I would have just said I was tired. But I am not tired, I'm irritable but I have energy even with only 3 hours sleep. Tomorrow I have to pretend to be happy and fun for a couple of hours. Dinky has been invited to soft play by one of the kids she used to go to Playgroup with. I can't deny her the opportunity to run around for 2 hours. Then my dad comes up saturday. I'm hoping if i ask nicely he will take dinky out for a bit of one to one time. I don't think it is supposed to rain Saturday. He confuses me though because he will say I don't ask for his help often enough but when I do ask him he moans and doesn't help.
Waiting again until Monday to put in another housing bid. This week the only one was down the road from where we are now, which is no good because it is too far away from the school.
No post yet with info on everything else I'm waiting to hear for.
I'm going to watch tv, and some films, and possibly play the Xbox
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
2nd January 2013
I've been feeling a bit off lately. Just trying to feel normal as can be for dinky but I've been pretty snappy. And I feel really guilty for it. Which only makes me more angry at myself.
I've even tried to pretend everything is fine on here and this is my blog which no one reads anyway. Like yesterday. Trying to make plans and then getting sidetracked. I can't concentrate because I keep thinking of other things.
I have to try and focus...
So, how am I feeling? Well, my mind is racing, I keep thinking of lots of different things and want to go check them out online. I'm restless. I can't just sit, I have to be doing something. Which I must admit makes a change from pretty much the whole of December where I had to do lots but didn't really have the energy or the inclination to do it.
Problem is when I feel like this I still don't get much done because I flit between the things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm irritable and angry. Which is not good as a parent. I'm trying to hold it in but it is hard to do. I hate being like this. This is why I need the nurse to do something about it. She can't tell me with any certainty what is wrong with me but she can send me to someone who can. But I still don't know if I want to go back to her or see someone else. Maybe we can sort it out and she can stop making stupid comments. Or maybe I should just see someone else. I just got a call from mind advocacy to see what my options are and if they can help me sort it out. Maybe I'm just making a big deal of it. But it does make me angry the stupid stuff she says. Maybe I'm over thinking it?
I searched for jobs online yesterday and applied for about 10 different jobs. I know I said I wasn't really ready but I can do it. As long as the hours suit childcare arrangements. Maybe it won't be the best job or one that I really want to do but it will get the job centre off my back, and then I don't have to have the discussion of being signed off with S that is if I ever see her again. I won't have to worry about it all. Especially seeing as the ESA is apparently not very easy to get when you go for assessment. I'll find it even harder considering I don't have a diagnosis. What am I supposed to say? I don't feel ready to go to work at the moment because I'm a bit of a mess and don't know what is going on with me. I don't think that will get me very far.
Why put up with the aggro? I can get a 16 hour a week job while everything gets sorted and then go from there. At least with the 16 hours I can still go to appointments and get dinky sorted With the integrated services. I will have to start looking out for the post now. To be honest I'm not a big fan of postal deliveries here. Whoever sees the post arrive gets it and pits it in the kitchen. But how do you know someone hasn't taken your post? Or moved it to somewhere else?
At least at the b and b post came and was in a locked box, the support staff used to come out and give you the post, or if you were out slid it under your door.
The woman downstairs is a bit odd and I don't really trust her. She is a nosy busy body, and I don't want her being ultra nosy and checking my post.
It's January which means I should be able to sort things now. Christmas is over and there is lots to do. My appointments dinky's appointments. Got to sort it all. So yeah post and phone calls this month.
Talking of post, I should go check see if the postie has been. I also have to et some washing done.
I've even tried to pretend everything is fine on here and this is my blog which no one reads anyway. Like yesterday. Trying to make plans and then getting sidetracked. I can't concentrate because I keep thinking of other things.
I have to try and focus...
So, how am I feeling? Well, my mind is racing, I keep thinking of lots of different things and want to go check them out online. I'm restless. I can't just sit, I have to be doing something. Which I must admit makes a change from pretty much the whole of December where I had to do lots but didn't really have the energy or the inclination to do it.
Problem is when I feel like this I still don't get much done because I flit between the things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm irritable and angry. Which is not good as a parent. I'm trying to hold it in but it is hard to do. I hate being like this. This is why I need the nurse to do something about it. She can't tell me with any certainty what is wrong with me but she can send me to someone who can. But I still don't know if I want to go back to her or see someone else. Maybe we can sort it out and she can stop making stupid comments. Or maybe I should just see someone else. I just got a call from mind advocacy to see what my options are and if they can help me sort it out. Maybe I'm just making a big deal of it. But it does make me angry the stupid stuff she says. Maybe I'm over thinking it?
I searched for jobs online yesterday and applied for about 10 different jobs. I know I said I wasn't really ready but I can do it. As long as the hours suit childcare arrangements. Maybe it won't be the best job or one that I really want to do but it will get the job centre off my back, and then I don't have to have the discussion of being signed off with S that is if I ever see her again. I won't have to worry about it all. Especially seeing as the ESA is apparently not very easy to get when you go for assessment. I'll find it even harder considering I don't have a diagnosis. What am I supposed to say? I don't feel ready to go to work at the moment because I'm a bit of a mess and don't know what is going on with me. I don't think that will get me very far.
Why put up with the aggro? I can get a 16 hour a week job while everything gets sorted and then go from there. At least with the 16 hours I can still go to appointments and get dinky sorted With the integrated services. I will have to start looking out for the post now. To be honest I'm not a big fan of postal deliveries here. Whoever sees the post arrive gets it and pits it in the kitchen. But how do you know someone hasn't taken your post? Or moved it to somewhere else?
At least at the b and b post came and was in a locked box, the support staff used to come out and give you the post, or if you were out slid it under your door.
The woman downstairs is a bit odd and I don't really trust her. She is a nosy busy body, and I don't want her being ultra nosy and checking my post.
It's January which means I should be able to sort things now. Christmas is over and there is lots to do. My appointments dinky's appointments. Got to sort it all. So yeah post and phone calls this month.
Talking of post, I should go check see if the postie has been. I also have to et some washing done.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
It's officially 2013!
Well, 2012 saw the Olympics come to London, the queen celebrate her jubilee and Nick Clegg apologise.
Wonders will never cease!
It also was the year I ended up with nothing. Again.
So what does 2013 have in store?
Well, it should see dinky and I get housed which will be a big difference in our lives at present. It will see me hopefully find out what is actually wrong in this messed up head of mine. I intend on giving up smoking in the next week (probably not the best time but I just can't afford it anymore!). Dinky should get the support she needs. Next month I have to find a job.
I find it quite funny that the government are forcing more people to look for jobs that don't exist. The funniest part is that because of the amount of people looking for work they have created a part time job market which doesn't benefit them in any other way than boast employment figures even though those in part time work are unlikely to be paying tax.
Take me for example. (all figures are rounded to the nearest £1)
I'm on income support which is £70 per week
child tax credits £60 per week
child benefit which is £20 per week
And housing benefit of £175 per week
Total government money- £325 per week
If I were to get a job next week earning £100 per week which is just over minimum wage at £6.25ph I would get
Child tax credits £60per week
Child benefit £20 per week
Back to work bonus £40 per week for 1 year
Working tax credit £ 109 per week
Housing benefit £165 per week
Total government money £394 per week
Which is a difference of £69 per week extra the government would be paying me. Which is ridiculous seeing as I'd pay no tax for them to recoup their extra expenditure. Granted this goes down to £29 per week after the first year, but it is still baffling!
Sure I'd make an extra £169 a week which would be very handy, but the jobs just are not there! Plus there would be more expenditure in form of after school childcare and holiday childcare to pay for and I would have to pay the service charge. Which means the actual better off would have to incorporate this change in expenditure which means during the holidays I would be making £51 and term time £118. It is undeniable that I'd be better off if I could just find a part time job. Then there is the matter of keeping the job.
I forgot what else I was going to write... So I'll leave it there
Wonders will never cease!
It also was the year I ended up with nothing. Again.
So what does 2013 have in store?
Well, it should see dinky and I get housed which will be a big difference in our lives at present. It will see me hopefully find out what is actually wrong in this messed up head of mine. I intend on giving up smoking in the next week (probably not the best time but I just can't afford it anymore!). Dinky should get the support she needs. Next month I have to find a job.
I find it quite funny that the government are forcing more people to look for jobs that don't exist. The funniest part is that because of the amount of people looking for work they have created a part time job market which doesn't benefit them in any other way than boast employment figures even though those in part time work are unlikely to be paying tax.
Take me for example. (all figures are rounded to the nearest £1)
I'm on income support which is £70 per week
child tax credits £60 per week
child benefit which is £20 per week
And housing benefit of £175 per week
Total government money- £325 per week
If I were to get a job next week earning £100 per week which is just over minimum wage at £6.25ph I would get
Child tax credits £60per week
Child benefit £20 per week
Back to work bonus £40 per week for 1 year
Working tax credit £ 109 per week
Housing benefit £165 per week
Total government money £394 per week
Which is a difference of £69 per week extra the government would be paying me. Which is ridiculous seeing as I'd pay no tax for them to recoup their extra expenditure. Granted this goes down to £29 per week after the first year, but it is still baffling!
Sure I'd make an extra £169 a week which would be very handy, but the jobs just are not there! Plus there would be more expenditure in form of after school childcare and holiday childcare to pay for and I would have to pay the service charge. Which means the actual better off would have to incorporate this change in expenditure which means during the holidays I would be making £51 and term time £118. It is undeniable that I'd be better off if I could just find a part time job. Then there is the matter of keeping the job.
I forgot what else I was going to write... So I'll leave it there
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