It's odd how myself and my dad talk late on the phone for hours yet we barely talk when face to face. It might have something to do with the fact he can't get stoned at my place and I can't go to his.
Today's topic of conversation: privatisation within the NHS, government legislation, Tory government being generally awful when it comes to work and jobs, labour becoming more Tory as time went on and various other Tory bashing expected from working class citizens of not so great at the moment Britain.
Sub topics due to various sidetracks and frustrations: middle class feel hard done by, private companies/management, retail and the economy, 4x4 cars, rail fares, racism and the person who made us homeless.
All in all a 3 hour conversation which I doubt many could follow logically but my dad gets how I work by now!
He will come up tomorrow, play with dinky for a bit, play Xbox with me, barely talk, almost fall asleep after dinner, and then go home. In this time conversation is limited to football and dinky's attempts at getting a conversation out of him. Which I sit back and smile at, why? Because she will have to wait until she is old enough for a mobile phone to have any quality conversation with him. Sad but true.
Don't get me wrong I love my dad, we have an odd relationship in the sense that both of us are not exactly sure who is the parent and regularly go through periods of trying to establish our roles. He will go through phases of only being able to feel like a parent if he is buying me things or taking care of something I am quite capable of doing myself and would prefer to do myself. I will go through phases of asking for his help on a number of occasions when I'm pretty sure I already have the answers but I either need confirmation from a parent figure that I have the right ideas. Or if I feel like I've been the parent for a while and need a break... someone to tell me the right thing to do and then rebel against it almost like a teenager.
This (in his words) all stems back from him walking out when I was 5, which meant I was very young and dependant, and him coming back into my life when I was 13 and independent from years of having to be. I get that but feel he sort of missed out the central bit and sometimes doesn't realise that I grew up in that time, he keeps trying to recreate opportunities to be involved in my becoming independent. I try not to remind him that that particular ship sailed about 15-20 years ago.
I find our relationship is also difficult because of the guilt and blame game. Not that either of us make it into a game but he feels guilty for leaving me in the house with a woman he knew full well to have a violent nature and that I was always getting the blame for things when he was there. And I still hold that little bit of blame for him leaving for those exact reasons. I try not to let it get in the way of the here and now but it is like we both know it is there. He knows that is why I don't trust him implicitly. I suppose it's been better since I had dinky but I don't think our relationship can evolve past this. I'm ok with the way things are, he isn't, and we are both aware that it is a little odd the way things work. Obviously there are many more factors that haven't been mentioned when it comes to the dynamics of a parent/ grown up child relationship. I suppose what clouds that more is the fact that I was almost like a grown up at 13 and apart from being a little more confident and being a parent myself and the responsibilities that entails, I haven't really changed (and I look about 15/16 which doesn't help) 13 years later.
All of this conversation and the one thing on my mind more than else was a letter I received today. My breast clinic appointment is for Monday.
I am surprisingly quite calm about it at the moment. I was shocked that the letter came today and the appointment is in 3 days. I'm sure Sunday when it is just me and dinky and when dinky goes to bed I will start to get anxious about it. I have been trying to prepare myself for it the best I can. I know they will want to examine me and I'm prepared in the knowledge that it might be more than once if I have to go for tests same day. I am aware that no results will be given same day. So there is no need to focus on that. I have already come to conclusions about the outcomes. I have plans for every eventuality, including what is most likely and the opposite of what is worst case scenario.
I have told one online friend and the mum at the school I have been friendly with about the lump.
Both times to begin with I got the impression they thought my most immediate fear was that I had cancer. No, actually I haven't been too concerned and only made a plan because it is one of the possibilities. Both seemed quite taken aback. One understood the other didn't. Why? One knows I was sexually abused the other doesn't. It is odd how that one piece of information changes the same conversation. I got some great practical advice for the examinations by the online friend. And some great outcome advice from the mum especially seeing as she has been through all this before but actually had breast cancer. I should have asked her more about what happens in the appointment and had been meaning to but I only found out about the referral just before the Christmas break and the first week was christmas and the day after boxing day she was admitted to hospital for pneumonia and only got out of hospital last night. I might ask her tomorrow or Sunday evening so that I can prepare fully and know what is likely to happen.
The unknown is what generates so much fear in most situations that people find fearful. The most common fear is of the death, naturally. The fear isn't necessarily dying itself it is not knowing how, or when, or what happens when you die. Is that it lights out? Is there really a god? Are there such things as ghosts or the afterlife, or reincarnation. It's the questions we can't answer. The other big fear.. The dark. Again fear of the unknown. Anything can be in the dark, oh can't see and you don't know what is coming or what is going to happen. Unknown=fear.
I had a conversation in which the brain not liking being unable to have answers for its questions. Our brains are so amazing it fill in the gaps for us. Normally it does what it needs to survive and it is not always the most well thought out as it is doing this work on its own. In this context the brain will make the unknown scary so that we stay away from it. The darkness means monsters and isolation. Death means pain and suffering. So we avoid the situations for survival purposes. Anxiety leads the way in these scenarios. It makes sure we don't do anything to put ourselves at risk of (further) damage, by creating symptoms that make us extremely uncomfortable.
I almost forgot the point about fear and anxiety there.
So this anxiety that will no doubt build up over the weekend is about the unknown, not just about how the appointment works but also will I or won't I see those who abused me in my mind during or after the examination. My brain is creating anxiety in self protection.
I have to battle this anxiety by being clear about the appointment and how it works and preparing myself to block out even the very beginnings of intrusive thoughts or memories. I have to be strict and have an alternative in mind. Eminem songs normally keep me grounded. So I will be picking a song in the next day so that I don't get too bored by it. Listen to it over and over again and learn the words back to front. I know most of the words to most of his songs but to know every word will help me recreate it in my mind and listen to it while the examination takes place. I might have to practice on dinky and try to recall the song while she is talking to me and answer her without losing focus on the song.
So we will see how it goes....
Friday, 4 January 2013
Thursday, 3 January 2013
Isn't it Monday yet?
Don't get me wrong I love dinky so much it sometimes hurts. But with the rain soaked playgrounds and my general irritability means we were 'home' today. One of the most annoying things about being here is that there is no room for dinky to play. She has her little table squeezed in-between her bed and the radiator in front of the wardrobe but all I hear all. The time is crash bang wallop. We played a couple of games of angry birds frustration but I really wasn't in the mood for playing mike the knight or avengers (which entails dinky getting her hulk toy to "hulk smash" everything in sight including my hands). I went along with it for a while, but I was getting frustrated by dinky's aggression. We went for a walk to the shop but seeing as dinky saw it as freedom she wasn't exactly well behaved, which did nothing for my irritable mood.
I just can't wait for school to start again on Monday. She can be with her friends, play, run around and generally be a kid. I can't wait until we get our own place. She can play on her room or on the floor (she can't play on the floor here because there is no carpet and it isn't worth the aggro from the woman downstairs. Re noise). Why can't I be in the happy hyper mood? It would be so much easier, like the October holidays, I was in the mood to play all the time and it didn't matter what game it was I'd get involved. However much I want to force myself to get involved today I couldn't do it without feeling irritated. I know this is all unfair on dinky. You never know February half term might see happy hyper back.
I never really paid much attention to my moods before the MHN pointed it out. I would have just said I was tired. But I am not tired, I'm irritable but I have energy even with only 3 hours sleep. Tomorrow I have to pretend to be happy and fun for a couple of hours. Dinky has been invited to soft play by one of the kids she used to go to Playgroup with. I can't deny her the opportunity to run around for 2 hours. Then my dad comes up saturday. I'm hoping if i ask nicely he will take dinky out for a bit of one to one time. I don't think it is supposed to rain Saturday. He confuses me though because he will say I don't ask for his help often enough but when I do ask him he moans and doesn't help.
Waiting again until Monday to put in another housing bid. This week the only one was down the road from where we are now, which is no good because it is too far away from the school.
No post yet with info on everything else I'm waiting to hear for.
I'm going to watch tv, and some films, and possibly play the Xbox
I just can't wait for school to start again on Monday. She can be with her friends, play, run around and generally be a kid. I can't wait until we get our own place. She can play on her room or on the floor (she can't play on the floor here because there is no carpet and it isn't worth the aggro from the woman downstairs. Re noise). Why can't I be in the happy hyper mood? It would be so much easier, like the October holidays, I was in the mood to play all the time and it didn't matter what game it was I'd get involved. However much I want to force myself to get involved today I couldn't do it without feeling irritated. I know this is all unfair on dinky. You never know February half term might see happy hyper back.
I never really paid much attention to my moods before the MHN pointed it out. I would have just said I was tired. But I am not tired, I'm irritable but I have energy even with only 3 hours sleep. Tomorrow I have to pretend to be happy and fun for a couple of hours. Dinky has been invited to soft play by one of the kids she used to go to Playgroup with. I can't deny her the opportunity to run around for 2 hours. Then my dad comes up saturday. I'm hoping if i ask nicely he will take dinky out for a bit of one to one time. I don't think it is supposed to rain Saturday. He confuses me though because he will say I don't ask for his help often enough but when I do ask him he moans and doesn't help.
Waiting again until Monday to put in another housing bid. This week the only one was down the road from where we are now, which is no good because it is too far away from the school.
No post yet with info on everything else I'm waiting to hear for.
I'm going to watch tv, and some films, and possibly play the Xbox
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
2nd January 2013
I've been feeling a bit off lately. Just trying to feel normal as can be for dinky but I've been pretty snappy. And I feel really guilty for it. Which only makes me more angry at myself.
I've even tried to pretend everything is fine on here and this is my blog which no one reads anyway. Like yesterday. Trying to make plans and then getting sidetracked. I can't concentrate because I keep thinking of other things.
I have to try and focus...
So, how am I feeling? Well, my mind is racing, I keep thinking of lots of different things and want to go check them out online. I'm restless. I can't just sit, I have to be doing something. Which I must admit makes a change from pretty much the whole of December where I had to do lots but didn't really have the energy or the inclination to do it.
Problem is when I feel like this I still don't get much done because I flit between the things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm irritable and angry. Which is not good as a parent. I'm trying to hold it in but it is hard to do. I hate being like this. This is why I need the nurse to do something about it. She can't tell me with any certainty what is wrong with me but she can send me to someone who can. But I still don't know if I want to go back to her or see someone else. Maybe we can sort it out and she can stop making stupid comments. Or maybe I should just see someone else. I just got a call from mind advocacy to see what my options are and if they can help me sort it out. Maybe I'm just making a big deal of it. But it does make me angry the stupid stuff she says. Maybe I'm over thinking it?
I searched for jobs online yesterday and applied for about 10 different jobs. I know I said I wasn't really ready but I can do it. As long as the hours suit childcare arrangements. Maybe it won't be the best job or one that I really want to do but it will get the job centre off my back, and then I don't have to have the discussion of being signed off with S that is if I ever see her again. I won't have to worry about it all. Especially seeing as the ESA is apparently not very easy to get when you go for assessment. I'll find it even harder considering I don't have a diagnosis. What am I supposed to say? I don't feel ready to go to work at the moment because I'm a bit of a mess and don't know what is going on with me. I don't think that will get me very far.
Why put up with the aggro? I can get a 16 hour a week job while everything gets sorted and then go from there. At least with the 16 hours I can still go to appointments and get dinky sorted With the integrated services. I will have to start looking out for the post now. To be honest I'm not a big fan of postal deliveries here. Whoever sees the post arrive gets it and pits it in the kitchen. But how do you know someone hasn't taken your post? Or moved it to somewhere else?
At least at the b and b post came and was in a locked box, the support staff used to come out and give you the post, or if you were out slid it under your door.
The woman downstairs is a bit odd and I don't really trust her. She is a nosy busy body, and I don't want her being ultra nosy and checking my post.
It's January which means I should be able to sort things now. Christmas is over and there is lots to do. My appointments dinky's appointments. Got to sort it all. So yeah post and phone calls this month.
Talking of post, I should go check see if the postie has been. I also have to et some washing done.
I've even tried to pretend everything is fine on here and this is my blog which no one reads anyway. Like yesterday. Trying to make plans and then getting sidetracked. I can't concentrate because I keep thinking of other things.
I have to try and focus...
So, how am I feeling? Well, my mind is racing, I keep thinking of lots of different things and want to go check them out online. I'm restless. I can't just sit, I have to be doing something. Which I must admit makes a change from pretty much the whole of December where I had to do lots but didn't really have the energy or the inclination to do it.
Problem is when I feel like this I still don't get much done because I flit between the things I'm supposed to be doing. I'm irritable and angry. Which is not good as a parent. I'm trying to hold it in but it is hard to do. I hate being like this. This is why I need the nurse to do something about it. She can't tell me with any certainty what is wrong with me but she can send me to someone who can. But I still don't know if I want to go back to her or see someone else. Maybe we can sort it out and she can stop making stupid comments. Or maybe I should just see someone else. I just got a call from mind advocacy to see what my options are and if they can help me sort it out. Maybe I'm just making a big deal of it. But it does make me angry the stupid stuff she says. Maybe I'm over thinking it?
I searched for jobs online yesterday and applied for about 10 different jobs. I know I said I wasn't really ready but I can do it. As long as the hours suit childcare arrangements. Maybe it won't be the best job or one that I really want to do but it will get the job centre off my back, and then I don't have to have the discussion of being signed off with S that is if I ever see her again. I won't have to worry about it all. Especially seeing as the ESA is apparently not very easy to get when you go for assessment. I'll find it even harder considering I don't have a diagnosis. What am I supposed to say? I don't feel ready to go to work at the moment because I'm a bit of a mess and don't know what is going on with me. I don't think that will get me very far.
Why put up with the aggro? I can get a 16 hour a week job while everything gets sorted and then go from there. At least with the 16 hours I can still go to appointments and get dinky sorted With the integrated services. I will have to start looking out for the post now. To be honest I'm not a big fan of postal deliveries here. Whoever sees the post arrive gets it and pits it in the kitchen. But how do you know someone hasn't taken your post? Or moved it to somewhere else?
At least at the b and b post came and was in a locked box, the support staff used to come out and give you the post, or if you were out slid it under your door.
The woman downstairs is a bit odd and I don't really trust her. She is a nosy busy body, and I don't want her being ultra nosy and checking my post.
It's January which means I should be able to sort things now. Christmas is over and there is lots to do. My appointments dinky's appointments. Got to sort it all. So yeah post and phone calls this month.
Talking of post, I should go check see if the postie has been. I also have to et some washing done.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
It's officially 2013!
Well, 2012 saw the Olympics come to London, the queen celebrate her jubilee and Nick Clegg apologise.
Wonders will never cease!
It also was the year I ended up with nothing. Again.
So what does 2013 have in store?
Well, it should see dinky and I get housed which will be a big difference in our lives at present. It will see me hopefully find out what is actually wrong in this messed up head of mine. I intend on giving up smoking in the next week (probably not the best time but I just can't afford it anymore!). Dinky should get the support she needs. Next month I have to find a job.
I find it quite funny that the government are forcing more people to look for jobs that don't exist. The funniest part is that because of the amount of people looking for work they have created a part time job market which doesn't benefit them in any other way than boast employment figures even though those in part time work are unlikely to be paying tax.
Take me for example. (all figures are rounded to the nearest £1)
I'm on income support which is £70 per week
child tax credits £60 per week
child benefit which is £20 per week
And housing benefit of £175 per week
Total government money- £325 per week
If I were to get a job next week earning £100 per week which is just over minimum wage at £6.25ph I would get
Child tax credits £60per week
Child benefit £20 per week
Back to work bonus £40 per week for 1 year
Working tax credit £ 109 per week
Housing benefit £165 per week
Total government money £394 per week
Which is a difference of £69 per week extra the government would be paying me. Which is ridiculous seeing as I'd pay no tax for them to recoup their extra expenditure. Granted this goes down to £29 per week after the first year, but it is still baffling!
Sure I'd make an extra £169 a week which would be very handy, but the jobs just are not there! Plus there would be more expenditure in form of after school childcare and holiday childcare to pay for and I would have to pay the service charge. Which means the actual better off would have to incorporate this change in expenditure which means during the holidays I would be making £51 and term time £118. It is undeniable that I'd be better off if I could just find a part time job. Then there is the matter of keeping the job.
I forgot what else I was going to write... So I'll leave it there
Wonders will never cease!
It also was the year I ended up with nothing. Again.
So what does 2013 have in store?
Well, it should see dinky and I get housed which will be a big difference in our lives at present. It will see me hopefully find out what is actually wrong in this messed up head of mine. I intend on giving up smoking in the next week (probably not the best time but I just can't afford it anymore!). Dinky should get the support she needs. Next month I have to find a job.
I find it quite funny that the government are forcing more people to look for jobs that don't exist. The funniest part is that because of the amount of people looking for work they have created a part time job market which doesn't benefit them in any other way than boast employment figures even though those in part time work are unlikely to be paying tax.
Take me for example. (all figures are rounded to the nearest £1)
I'm on income support which is £70 per week
child tax credits £60 per week
child benefit which is £20 per week
And housing benefit of £175 per week
Total government money- £325 per week
If I were to get a job next week earning £100 per week which is just over minimum wage at £6.25ph I would get
Child tax credits £60per week
Child benefit £20 per week
Back to work bonus £40 per week for 1 year
Working tax credit £ 109 per week
Housing benefit £165 per week
Total government money £394 per week
Which is a difference of £69 per week extra the government would be paying me. Which is ridiculous seeing as I'd pay no tax for them to recoup their extra expenditure. Granted this goes down to £29 per week after the first year, but it is still baffling!
Sure I'd make an extra £169 a week which would be very handy, but the jobs just are not there! Plus there would be more expenditure in form of after school childcare and holiday childcare to pay for and I would have to pay the service charge. Which means the actual better off would have to incorporate this change in expenditure which means during the holidays I would be making £51 and term time £118. It is undeniable that I'd be better off if I could just find a part time job. Then there is the matter of keeping the job.
I forgot what else I was going to write... So I'll leave it there
Monday, 31 December 2012
New years eve
So we went to see dinky's grandma on Saturday. We left the house at 8.45 got to London at 10.30 waited until 11.30 for dinky's grandma to pick us up and take her back to her friends house. Her friend was there. She seemed nice enough but I felt really uncomfortable in someone else's house. Dinky read her grandma a book and had some sweets then we went off to get dinky's grandad and auntie, so we could go for a meal. We went to the harvester. Dinky was actually quite well behaved. Maybe it was just the excitement of seeing the people she really missed. Or maybe she just can't behave herself for me.
We stayed in the harvester for 3 hours or so and then the grandmas friend popped in as we were about to leave and said she was going home having a cuppa and going to bed. So we left to go home at 4.30pm. I lugged the presents from the three of them back on the 2 trains and the bus back to ours and put dinky to bed.
So that was our day out.
My dad came up yesterday and gave me some money as part of my Christmas present to go out and buy some clothes. It just reminded me of being a kid. Most christmas' I got clothes while my brother and sister got the toys and whatever they wanted. I knew better than to ask for anything. I normally got colouring books off my nan and grandad along with trainers. And my aunts got me more clothes that my mother asked them to get me. So I ended up with my winter wardrobe, at the time I thought anything was better than wearing my sisters old clothes as she didn't exactly have the same sort of clothes I did. I was a Tom boy and my sister was the typical girly girl. So I could finally get rid of the skirts and stuff.
As I got older and people asked at school what I got for Christmas I lied and said I got cool stuff because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. There is nothing worse than pity. The others, well I got bullied enough in my sisters cast off uniform there was no need to make it worse by saying that I got clothes and no cool toys or gadgets. At least for PE I always had nice trainers because my nan would take me trainer shopping the week before Christmas. It never made sense to my friends that I had the latest trainers but wore scruffy uniform. I was glad when my nan brought me some new uniform in September one year. My mother went mad but my nan was the only one who stood up to her, but only when she felt like it. When I was about 11 or 12 my nan brought me a Walkman. A proper Sony Walkman and ant and dec's ready to rumble on cassette tape. She gave it to me in front of my mother so she couldn't take it away. The rules were that my brother and sister were not to touch it. And it wasn't to be Aiken away as punishment or my nan would stop having us over when my mother was entertaining guests (basically when she got stoned or drunk or high or a combination of all three). The beating was well worth it. I got a couple of blank tapes and recorded from the radio. My nan was very strict but pretty fair. She wound my mother up something chronic and as I got older the more I enjoyed it. Instead of getting my brother and sister the latest toys and whatever my nan would buy them books. The books would just be laying there so I read them. I doubt it is true, but I always thought my nan knew I'd read them. I'd tell her about the books I read in school and birthdays and Christmas my brother or sister would get similar books to those I read or wanted to read. My brother got the Harry potter books one year. My brother hated reading and let me read them, I loved them! I still have them in my garage.
I wasn't exactly fond of my nan, I didn't realise until she left for egypt how much I would miss her. She was odd but I liked it, it was better than home. One summer she made me read her Anne mcCaffery books and do comprehension after and then when that was done she would get flour and water to make glue and I would have to make a collage depicting the scene that stood out for me. It felt like school, but it was a bonding exercise I just couldn't see how great it was at the time. Don't get me wrong I preferred that to being at home, but I was itching to get out and play for my allotted hour.
I don't know why my nan popped into my head.
Anyway, it's new years eve. This year has been a disaster! Hopefully 2013 will be much better. To be honest it can only get a little worse (only the lump results can put a bad spin on 2013)! But it will be dramatically better considering we will get housed in 2013. Our own home, I can't wait. I can't wait to decorate dinky's bedroom and for her to actually have space to play. It might make things better all round.
We stayed in the harvester for 3 hours or so and then the grandmas friend popped in as we were about to leave and said she was going home having a cuppa and going to bed. So we left to go home at 4.30pm. I lugged the presents from the three of them back on the 2 trains and the bus back to ours and put dinky to bed.
So that was our day out.
My dad came up yesterday and gave me some money as part of my Christmas present to go out and buy some clothes. It just reminded me of being a kid. Most christmas' I got clothes while my brother and sister got the toys and whatever they wanted. I knew better than to ask for anything. I normally got colouring books off my nan and grandad along with trainers. And my aunts got me more clothes that my mother asked them to get me. So I ended up with my winter wardrobe, at the time I thought anything was better than wearing my sisters old clothes as she didn't exactly have the same sort of clothes I did. I was a Tom boy and my sister was the typical girly girl. So I could finally get rid of the skirts and stuff.
As I got older and people asked at school what I got for Christmas I lied and said I got cool stuff because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. There is nothing worse than pity. The others, well I got bullied enough in my sisters cast off uniform there was no need to make it worse by saying that I got clothes and no cool toys or gadgets. At least for PE I always had nice trainers because my nan would take me trainer shopping the week before Christmas. It never made sense to my friends that I had the latest trainers but wore scruffy uniform. I was glad when my nan brought me some new uniform in September one year. My mother went mad but my nan was the only one who stood up to her, but only when she felt like it. When I was about 11 or 12 my nan brought me a Walkman. A proper Sony Walkman and ant and dec's ready to rumble on cassette tape. She gave it to me in front of my mother so she couldn't take it away. The rules were that my brother and sister were not to touch it. And it wasn't to be Aiken away as punishment or my nan would stop having us over when my mother was entertaining guests (basically when she got stoned or drunk or high or a combination of all three). The beating was well worth it. I got a couple of blank tapes and recorded from the radio. My nan was very strict but pretty fair. She wound my mother up something chronic and as I got older the more I enjoyed it. Instead of getting my brother and sister the latest toys and whatever my nan would buy them books. The books would just be laying there so I read them. I doubt it is true, but I always thought my nan knew I'd read them. I'd tell her about the books I read in school and birthdays and Christmas my brother or sister would get similar books to those I read or wanted to read. My brother got the Harry potter books one year. My brother hated reading and let me read them, I loved them! I still have them in my garage.
I wasn't exactly fond of my nan, I didn't realise until she left for egypt how much I would miss her. She was odd but I liked it, it was better than home. One summer she made me read her Anne mcCaffery books and do comprehension after and then when that was done she would get flour and water to make glue and I would have to make a collage depicting the scene that stood out for me. It felt like school, but it was a bonding exercise I just couldn't see how great it was at the time. Don't get me wrong I preferred that to being at home, but I was itching to get out and play for my allotted hour.
I don't know why my nan popped into my head.
Anyway, it's new years eve. This year has been a disaster! Hopefully 2013 will be much better. To be honest it can only get a little worse (only the lump results can put a bad spin on 2013)! But it will be dramatically better considering we will get housed in 2013. Our own home, I can't wait. I can't wait to decorate dinky's bedroom and for her to actually have space to play. It might make things better all round.
Friday, 28 December 2012
How I have not mentioned the lump?
I've just read my last few posts and I can't believe I haven't mentioned the lump!
My head kind of puts things in boxes
Box 1- dinky related
Box 2- homelessness (bidding/hostel ect)
Box 3- the person who made us homeless and her mum
Box 4- my mental health
Box 5&6- my past
Box 7- my physical health
The order might go up and down but dinky is always at the top.
So right now I have lots going on. What with dinky's behaviour, her grandma, school, her play therapy, her referral to CAMHS which ended up being passed on to integrated services, my mental health nurse and going to the well being place, having to go back to work in feb, still being in the hostel, plus anything I may have missed... On top of that I found a lump in my breast in October. Went to the GP at the end of October, who told me to go back if the lump was still there after my next cycle, it was still there but my cycle didn't come until the end of November and I went back to the doc with the lump which was still there December 17th. Now I'm being referred to the breast clinic.
So yet another thing to deal with come January/february. I go to get tested to find out what this lump is. It is probably just a cyst and they should drain it. But that is not going to be the most comfortable of appointments. The same as the 2 breast examinations were not the most comfortable of appointments. Not because the lump hurts, which it doesn't. But because I had to whip my breasts out and have some female doc have her hands all over them. Not exactly conforming to my 'no one touches me but dinky' rule. Other examinations, knees, stomach, fine... Breasts and other intimate areas... Not so fine. Midwife appointments and child birth were very uncomfortable for me (aside from the obvious discomfort of being in labour!). They were not pleasant experiences and triggered a lot for me at the time. I guess spacing out for parts of the examinations got me through but I felt very vulnerable and as the counsellor from T2T said "showing vulnerablity seems to be a no no" for me, and she was right.
complicated or purely messed up life... I don't know.
I'm NOT one of those.. OMG I FOUND A LUMP IM GOING TO DIE! People. I'm more of a, oh so there is like a 10% chance or more that I have cancer... What implications does that have for me and dinky and our current situation... Quite a bit... Fuck it! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can't say that I haven't thought about the possibility on more than one occasion but it doesn't fill me with dread about death. Cancer is very survivable now days. So I will probably think about it every now and again but 10% chance is good odds in my favour. But then what are the odds of being in the situation I have found myself in? Swings and roundabouts! I have enough to keep me occupied at the moment to be fair!
So January shall be a very busy month.... Although I haven't decided what to do about the mental health nurse yet. I have so much on I might just give her one more chance. I haven't the energy right now to fight on all those fronts and confront her about her comments.
My head kind of puts things in boxes
Box 1- dinky related
Box 2- homelessness (bidding/hostel ect)
Box 3- the person who made us homeless and her mum
Box 4- my mental health
Box 5&6- my past
Box 7- my physical health
The order might go up and down but dinky is always at the top.
So right now I have lots going on. What with dinky's behaviour, her grandma, school, her play therapy, her referral to CAMHS which ended up being passed on to integrated services, my mental health nurse and going to the well being place, having to go back to work in feb, still being in the hostel, plus anything I may have missed... On top of that I found a lump in my breast in October. Went to the GP at the end of October, who told me to go back if the lump was still there after my next cycle, it was still there but my cycle didn't come until the end of November and I went back to the doc with the lump which was still there December 17th. Now I'm being referred to the breast clinic.
So yet another thing to deal with come January/february. I go to get tested to find out what this lump is. It is probably just a cyst and they should drain it. But that is not going to be the most comfortable of appointments. The same as the 2 breast examinations were not the most comfortable of appointments. Not because the lump hurts, which it doesn't. But because I had to whip my breasts out and have some female doc have her hands all over them. Not exactly conforming to my 'no one touches me but dinky' rule. Other examinations, knees, stomach, fine... Breasts and other intimate areas... Not so fine. Midwife appointments and child birth were very uncomfortable for me (aside from the obvious discomfort of being in labour!). They were not pleasant experiences and triggered a lot for me at the time. I guess spacing out for parts of the examinations got me through but I felt very vulnerable and as the counsellor from T2T said "showing vulnerablity seems to be a no no" for me, and she was right.
complicated or purely messed up life... I don't know.
I'm NOT one of those.. OMG I FOUND A LUMP IM GOING TO DIE! People. I'm more of a, oh so there is like a 10% chance or more that I have cancer... What implications does that have for me and dinky and our current situation... Quite a bit... Fuck it! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can't say that I haven't thought about the possibility on more than one occasion but it doesn't fill me with dread about death. Cancer is very survivable now days. So I will probably think about it every now and again but 10% chance is good odds in my favour. But then what are the odds of being in the situation I have found myself in? Swings and roundabouts! I have enough to keep me occupied at the moment to be fair!
So January shall be a very busy month.... Although I haven't decided what to do about the mental health nurse yet. I have so much on I might just give her one more chance. I haven't the energy right now to fight on all those fronts and confront her about her comments.
Going to London... (not to see my messed up relatives!)
Dinky's grandma has decided that she should see her after all. Well, it is Christmas time right. It is the time when people actually decide that dinky does exist. Which I must say winds me up something chronic! The rest of the year she just has to get on with it.
For some reason the grandma think that because dinky is going to see her she is just going to turn into this amazingly behaved child for her. Bull! She has seen her once in the whole time since we became homeless and in that time dinky slapped the dog round the face, let the dog out of the car by a busy road, an off from them and generally misbehaved. Seeing as she got worse from the August I really don't see her having much of a different way of getting dinky to behave in the 5 hours we will be there.
It is going to be bloody awkward for me because I don't like unfamiliar places or people. Dinkys grandma is living with a friend since her husband left for Ireland. So we re presumably going to this friends house. Whether or not this friend will be there is not clear.
Then there is the added fact that the tube isn't running properly due to engineering works. Which means an added 30 mins on our travel time. Which is not easy with a kid that gets easily distracted and refuses to listen to simple instructions. But dinky misses her grandma so I have to pay to take dinky there no matter what the hardship is on either of us while the grandma sits pretty waiting for us to arrive. It is a piss take if you ask me. The woman drives and it would be easier if they came here. But no, I have to put in all the effort for no thanks and for it not to be reciprocated.
As if I haven't got enough going on at the moment!
Why is it people have this ability to get me to do what pleases them no matter what the cost to me and I just accept it and then get annoyed because I've agreed to this bullshit way of doing things?
It was the same with Christmas day. I allowed the other mum to get me to agree to spend Christmas together, cook and pay for half the food. The problem was that her husband works and was eating too so that's two adults one kid and I'm only one adult one kid so how do I end up paying half when I don't work? She says she will be up at 9am when we agree it and then Christmas eve she says she won't be up until mid day and then gets up at 1.30 and I end up cooking the dinner with various disruptions so she can use my phone to call her husband and we spend about 2 hours of the day together. Not exactly what it was advertised as.
I really need to stop letting people walk all over me! How? No idea.
And the mental health nurse wonders why I don't like people!
Maybe it's because the people I get friendly with use me and drop me!
For some reason the grandma think that because dinky is going to see her she is just going to turn into this amazingly behaved child for her. Bull! She has seen her once in the whole time since we became homeless and in that time dinky slapped the dog round the face, let the dog out of the car by a busy road, an off from them and generally misbehaved. Seeing as she got worse from the August I really don't see her having much of a different way of getting dinky to behave in the 5 hours we will be there.
It is going to be bloody awkward for me because I don't like unfamiliar places or people. Dinkys grandma is living with a friend since her husband left for Ireland. So we re presumably going to this friends house. Whether or not this friend will be there is not clear.
Then there is the added fact that the tube isn't running properly due to engineering works. Which means an added 30 mins on our travel time. Which is not easy with a kid that gets easily distracted and refuses to listen to simple instructions. But dinky misses her grandma so I have to pay to take dinky there no matter what the hardship is on either of us while the grandma sits pretty waiting for us to arrive. It is a piss take if you ask me. The woman drives and it would be easier if they came here. But no, I have to put in all the effort for no thanks and for it not to be reciprocated.
As if I haven't got enough going on at the moment!
Why is it people have this ability to get me to do what pleases them no matter what the cost to me and I just accept it and then get annoyed because I've agreed to this bullshit way of doing things?
It was the same with Christmas day. I allowed the other mum to get me to agree to spend Christmas together, cook and pay for half the food. The problem was that her husband works and was eating too so that's two adults one kid and I'm only one adult one kid so how do I end up paying half when I don't work? She says she will be up at 9am when we agree it and then Christmas eve she says she won't be up until mid day and then gets up at 1.30 and I end up cooking the dinner with various disruptions so she can use my phone to call her husband and we spend about 2 hours of the day together. Not exactly what it was advertised as.
I really need to stop letting people walk all over me! How? No idea.
And the mental health nurse wonders why I don't like people!
Maybe it's because the people I get friendly with use me and drop me!
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