Not feeling too great

I'm trying to make sense of how my messed up head works. I always knew I had mood swings but put them down to the PTSD. I get angry and irritable, I get down and other times I'm fine. I guess I didn't take stock of how fine meant being a little hyper and stupid. Although it had been a while since I have been that up. Just mainly went between depressed and irritable and angry.
Now it's "mood swings not unlike bipolar but they don't like to diagnose personality disorders, if you were bipolar you'd have been hospitalised by now."
Great. Just what I wanted to hear... My personality might be disordered. I know it was ages ago that she said that but I haven't had that much of a chance to reflect on it purely because she does my head in. "you have had lots of counselling, share the wealth as they say". "was it an essay like I get?". "you HAVE to stop beating yourself up!" and so on. It gets on my nerves that she doesn't think before she talks or just doesn't care about the consequences.
She might even be wrong about the personality thing. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
So I have been thinking about my moods trying to work them out for myself.
So yes, I admit I do get depressed. Lucky the longest period was 6 months. But i get that way quite a bit. I've always denied that I was depressed because I thought it many being stuck that way without medication. I didn't see how a depressed person could be happy (or extremely happy) at times. I didn't think about seeing it as periods of depression.

So this is how I see the mood thing...

When I am hyper up, well, I don't really sleep and have lots of energy. It feels like the weight has been lifted and the mass of emotions in my chest disappears. I have only just begun linking my overspending sprees to my ups, and I get pretty creative (I start thinking I can write a book, or become an artist)l if it stayed there it would be fine but then I start to have thoughts like things go wrong because some higher power is seeing how long it would take to break me and I get proud of the fact I haven't snapped yet. Or that I'm part of a reality tv show and all this is scripted.
Then when I go back down all he way down the weight comes back really fast and the mass in my chest is overwhelming. I have to shut off to keep it under control. I berate myself for the thoughts I had. Firstly no one would make the effort to wind me up as they all have lives of their own and not one person would watch a show where I am the main participant. I'm not that interesting. I feel worthless and useless and then I start to realise all the things I haven't done like organise Christmas and chase up CAMHS, and do all the other things I'm supposed to do. It all feels too much and the depression deepens. The housework doesn't get done because I'm thinking about how to sort everything else and I get frustrated because I've had my head in the clouds. When it gets really bad I think of the situation and think dinky would be better off without me and I think about ways to end it all. But I don't want to destroy someone else. So how do I do it without destroying someone else. I can't.

I hate being like this. If I could have the ups without the spending and stupid thoughts without the harsh downs I'd be much better off! But thats not going to happen....