So we went to see dinky's grandma on Saturday. We left the house at 8.45 got to London at 10.30 waited until 11.30 for dinky's grandma to pick us up and take her back to her friends house. Her friend was there. She seemed nice enough but I felt really uncomfortable in someone else's house. Dinky read her grandma a book and had some sweets then we went off to get dinky's grandad and auntie, so we could go for a meal. We went to the harvester. Dinky was actually quite well behaved. Maybe it was just the excitement of seeing the people she really missed. Or maybe she just can't behave herself for me.
We stayed in the harvester for 3 hours or so and then the grandmas friend popped in as we were about to leave and said she was going home having a cuppa and going to bed. So we left to go home at 4.30pm. I lugged the presents from the three of them back on the 2 trains and the bus back to ours and put dinky to bed.
So that was our day out.
My dad came up yesterday and gave me some money as part of my Christmas present to go out and buy some clothes. It just reminded me of being a kid. Most christmas' I got clothes while my brother and sister got the toys and whatever they wanted. I knew better than to ask for anything. I normally got colouring books off my nan and grandad along with trainers. And my aunts got me more clothes that my mother asked them to get me. So I ended up with my winter wardrobe, at the time I thought anything was better than wearing my sisters old clothes as she didn't exactly have the same sort of clothes I did. I was a Tom boy and my sister was the typical girly girl. So I could finally get rid of the skirts and stuff.
As I got older and people asked at school what I got for Christmas I lied and said I got cool stuff because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. There is nothing worse than pity. The others, well I got bullied enough in my sisters cast off uniform there was no need to make it worse by saying that I got clothes and no cool toys or gadgets. At least for PE I always had nice trainers because my nan would take me trainer shopping the week before Christmas. It never made sense to my friends that I had the latest trainers but wore scruffy uniform. I was glad when my nan brought me some new uniform in September one year. My mother went mad but my nan was the only one who stood up to her, but only when she felt like it. When I was about 11 or 12 my nan brought me a Walkman. A proper Sony Walkman and ant and dec's ready to rumble on cassette tape. She gave it to me in front of my mother so she couldn't take it away. The rules were that my brother and sister were not to touch it. And it wasn't to be Aiken away as punishment or my nan would stop having us over when my mother was entertaining guests (basically when she got stoned or drunk or high or a combination of all three). The beating was well worth it. I got a couple of blank tapes and recorded from the radio. My nan was very strict but pretty fair. She wound my mother up something chronic and as I got older the more I enjoyed it. Instead of getting my brother and sister the latest toys and whatever my nan would buy them books. The books would just be laying there so I read them. I doubt it is true, but I always thought my nan knew I'd read them. I'd tell her about the books I read in school and birthdays and Christmas my brother or sister would get similar books to those I read or wanted to read. My brother got the Harry potter books one year. My brother hated reading and let me read them, I loved them! I still have them in my garage.
I wasn't exactly fond of my nan, I didn't realise until she left for egypt how much I would miss her. She was odd but I liked it, it was better than home. One summer she made me read her Anne mcCaffery books and do comprehension after and then when that was done she would get flour and water to make glue and I would have to make a collage depicting the scene that stood out for me. It felt like school, but it was a bonding exercise I just couldn't see how great it was at the time. Don't get me wrong I preferred that to being at home, but I was itching to get out and play for my allotted hour.
I don't know why my nan popped into my head.
Anyway, it's new years eve. This year has been a disaster! Hopefully 2013 will be much better. To be honest it can only get a little worse (only the lump results can put a bad spin on 2013)! But it will be dramatically better considering we will get housed in 2013. Our own home, I can't wait. I can't wait to decorate dinky's bedroom and for her to actually have space to play. It might make things better all round.
Monday 31 December 2012
Friday 28 December 2012
How I have not mentioned the lump?
I've just read my last few posts and I can't believe I haven't mentioned the lump!
My head kind of puts things in boxes
Box 1- dinky related
Box 2- homelessness (bidding/hostel ect)
Box 3- the person who made us homeless and her mum
Box 4- my mental health
Box 5&6- my past
Box 7- my physical health
The order might go up and down but dinky is always at the top.
So right now I have lots going on. What with dinky's behaviour, her grandma, school, her play therapy, her referral to CAMHS which ended up being passed on to integrated services, my mental health nurse and going to the well being place, having to go back to work in feb, still being in the hostel, plus anything I may have missed... On top of that I found a lump in my breast in October. Went to the GP at the end of October, who told me to go back if the lump was still there after my next cycle, it was still there but my cycle didn't come until the end of November and I went back to the doc with the lump which was still there December 17th. Now I'm being referred to the breast clinic.
So yet another thing to deal with come January/february. I go to get tested to find out what this lump is. It is probably just a cyst and they should drain it. But that is not going to be the most comfortable of appointments. The same as the 2 breast examinations were not the most comfortable of appointments. Not because the lump hurts, which it doesn't. But because I had to whip my breasts out and have some female doc have her hands all over them. Not exactly conforming to my 'no one touches me but dinky' rule. Other examinations, knees, stomach, fine... Breasts and other intimate areas... Not so fine. Midwife appointments and child birth were very uncomfortable for me (aside from the obvious discomfort of being in labour!). They were not pleasant experiences and triggered a lot for me at the time. I guess spacing out for parts of the examinations got me through but I felt very vulnerable and as the counsellor from T2T said "showing vulnerablity seems to be a no no" for me, and she was right.
complicated or purely messed up life... I don't know.
I'm NOT one of those.. OMG I FOUND A LUMP IM GOING TO DIE! People. I'm more of a, oh so there is like a 10% chance or more that I have cancer... What implications does that have for me and dinky and our current situation... Quite a bit... Fuck it! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can't say that I haven't thought about the possibility on more than one occasion but it doesn't fill me with dread about death. Cancer is very survivable now days. So I will probably think about it every now and again but 10% chance is good odds in my favour. But then what are the odds of being in the situation I have found myself in? Swings and roundabouts! I have enough to keep me occupied at the moment to be fair!
So January shall be a very busy month.... Although I haven't decided what to do about the mental health nurse yet. I have so much on I might just give her one more chance. I haven't the energy right now to fight on all those fronts and confront her about her comments.
My head kind of puts things in boxes
Box 1- dinky related
Box 2- homelessness (bidding/hostel ect)
Box 3- the person who made us homeless and her mum
Box 4- my mental health
Box 5&6- my past
Box 7- my physical health
The order might go up and down but dinky is always at the top.
So right now I have lots going on. What with dinky's behaviour, her grandma, school, her play therapy, her referral to CAMHS which ended up being passed on to integrated services, my mental health nurse and going to the well being place, having to go back to work in feb, still being in the hostel, plus anything I may have missed... On top of that I found a lump in my breast in October. Went to the GP at the end of October, who told me to go back if the lump was still there after my next cycle, it was still there but my cycle didn't come until the end of November and I went back to the doc with the lump which was still there December 17th. Now I'm being referred to the breast clinic.
So yet another thing to deal with come January/february. I go to get tested to find out what this lump is. It is probably just a cyst and they should drain it. But that is not going to be the most comfortable of appointments. The same as the 2 breast examinations were not the most comfortable of appointments. Not because the lump hurts, which it doesn't. But because I had to whip my breasts out and have some female doc have her hands all over them. Not exactly conforming to my 'no one touches me but dinky' rule. Other examinations, knees, stomach, fine... Breasts and other intimate areas... Not so fine. Midwife appointments and child birth were very uncomfortable for me (aside from the obvious discomfort of being in labour!). They were not pleasant experiences and triggered a lot for me at the time. I guess spacing out for parts of the examinations got me through but I felt very vulnerable and as the counsellor from T2T said "showing vulnerablity seems to be a no no" for me, and she was right.
complicated or purely messed up life... I don't know.
I'm NOT one of those.. OMG I FOUND A LUMP IM GOING TO DIE! People. I'm more of a, oh so there is like a 10% chance or more that I have cancer... What implications does that have for me and dinky and our current situation... Quite a bit... Fuck it! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I can't say that I haven't thought about the possibility on more than one occasion but it doesn't fill me with dread about death. Cancer is very survivable now days. So I will probably think about it every now and again but 10% chance is good odds in my favour. But then what are the odds of being in the situation I have found myself in? Swings and roundabouts! I have enough to keep me occupied at the moment to be fair!
So January shall be a very busy month.... Although I haven't decided what to do about the mental health nurse yet. I have so much on I might just give her one more chance. I haven't the energy right now to fight on all those fronts and confront her about her comments.
Going to London... (not to see my messed up relatives!)
Dinky's grandma has decided that she should see her after all. Well, it is Christmas time right. It is the time when people actually decide that dinky does exist. Which I must say winds me up something chronic! The rest of the year she just has to get on with it.
For some reason the grandma think that because dinky is going to see her she is just going to turn into this amazingly behaved child for her. Bull! She has seen her once in the whole time since we became homeless and in that time dinky slapped the dog round the face, let the dog out of the car by a busy road, an off from them and generally misbehaved. Seeing as she got worse from the August I really don't see her having much of a different way of getting dinky to behave in the 5 hours we will be there.
It is going to be bloody awkward for me because I don't like unfamiliar places or people. Dinkys grandma is living with a friend since her husband left for Ireland. So we re presumably going to this friends house. Whether or not this friend will be there is not clear.
Then there is the added fact that the tube isn't running properly due to engineering works. Which means an added 30 mins on our travel time. Which is not easy with a kid that gets easily distracted and refuses to listen to simple instructions. But dinky misses her grandma so I have to pay to take dinky there no matter what the hardship is on either of us while the grandma sits pretty waiting for us to arrive. It is a piss take if you ask me. The woman drives and it would be easier if they came here. But no, I have to put in all the effort for no thanks and for it not to be reciprocated.
As if I haven't got enough going on at the moment!
Why is it people have this ability to get me to do what pleases them no matter what the cost to me and I just accept it and then get annoyed because I've agreed to this bullshit way of doing things?
It was the same with Christmas day. I allowed the other mum to get me to agree to spend Christmas together, cook and pay for half the food. The problem was that her husband works and was eating too so that's two adults one kid and I'm only one adult one kid so how do I end up paying half when I don't work? She says she will be up at 9am when we agree it and then Christmas eve she says she won't be up until mid day and then gets up at 1.30 and I end up cooking the dinner with various disruptions so she can use my phone to call her husband and we spend about 2 hours of the day together. Not exactly what it was advertised as.
I really need to stop letting people walk all over me! How? No idea.
And the mental health nurse wonders why I don't like people!
Maybe it's because the people I get friendly with use me and drop me!
For some reason the grandma think that because dinky is going to see her she is just going to turn into this amazingly behaved child for her. Bull! She has seen her once in the whole time since we became homeless and in that time dinky slapped the dog round the face, let the dog out of the car by a busy road, an off from them and generally misbehaved. Seeing as she got worse from the August I really don't see her having much of a different way of getting dinky to behave in the 5 hours we will be there.
It is going to be bloody awkward for me because I don't like unfamiliar places or people. Dinkys grandma is living with a friend since her husband left for Ireland. So we re presumably going to this friends house. Whether or not this friend will be there is not clear.
Then there is the added fact that the tube isn't running properly due to engineering works. Which means an added 30 mins on our travel time. Which is not easy with a kid that gets easily distracted and refuses to listen to simple instructions. But dinky misses her grandma so I have to pay to take dinky there no matter what the hardship is on either of us while the grandma sits pretty waiting for us to arrive. It is a piss take if you ask me. The woman drives and it would be easier if they came here. But no, I have to put in all the effort for no thanks and for it not to be reciprocated.
As if I haven't got enough going on at the moment!
Why is it people have this ability to get me to do what pleases them no matter what the cost to me and I just accept it and then get annoyed because I've agreed to this bullshit way of doing things?
It was the same with Christmas day. I allowed the other mum to get me to agree to spend Christmas together, cook and pay for half the food. The problem was that her husband works and was eating too so that's two adults one kid and I'm only one adult one kid so how do I end up paying half when I don't work? She says she will be up at 9am when we agree it and then Christmas eve she says she won't be up until mid day and then gets up at 1.30 and I end up cooking the dinner with various disruptions so she can use my phone to call her husband and we spend about 2 hours of the day together. Not exactly what it was advertised as.
I really need to stop letting people walk all over me! How? No idea.
And the mental health nurse wonders why I don't like people!
Maybe it's because the people I get friendly with use me and drop me!
Wednesday 26 December 2012
Christmas
Long gone are the days where Christmas was all about the birth of Jesus. I was baptised Catholic, so now I'm atheist. So that doesn't really other me.
So what is Christmas about these days?
The media portrays it as a time for families to get together and share gifts and a meal. Every advert not containing children's toys is about the Christmas dinner and all the family around the table passing round potatoes and gravy.
3 weeks before Christmas I found out that we wouldn't be spending Christmas at dinky's grandmas as they were going to go to Ireland. One of the other mums said that she was going to be alone here at christmas because her husband was working at the airport. She said we should go halves on the dinner. I agreed and said I would cook.
Then 10 days before Christmas we get an offer to go to dinky's grandad's, he hadn't seen her for 3 years, until August. She didn't know who he was. I don't think either of us would have been comfortable somewhere we didn't know with people we didn't really know. I would have been very aware that we were stuck there due to lack of transport on christmas. So I decided to stick with the original plan.
Christmas eve the other mum said she wouldn't be up until mid day, and her husband was due home at 3.30pm. I was disappointed because knowing dinky she would be up early and it would just be us. I felt a bit used. So I was going cook little after she got up and then spend an hour or two after dinner with them, then spend an hour or two trying to get dinky to go to sleep then spend the evening on my own. That is not spending Christmas together!
Being in the hostel meant that my dad couldn't come up because the rules state that no one is allowed to sleep over. Transport doesn't work on Christmas day so he was all alone in his little room.
We got up at 5 am and dinky opened all her presents. We played for a little bit in the room and then went down to the communal living room. The heating was broken in there so it was cold. Dinky spoke to my dad on the phone, then her grandma. After she started getting upset. She said we didn't have family at Christmas, she missed the little one we used to live with. She wanted to see my dad and her grandma.
I got upset because she was upset. Then I got angry. The person who made us homeless was undoubtably spending Christmas with either her mum and her housemate and daughter, or her dad, step family including mum brother and sister aunt and uncle and cousins. She would have a meal cooked for her, she would be away from the hostel she put herself in, and her kid would get spoiled rotten. Not even sparing a thought for the single mum she made homeless, and her daughter, and her father. No she makes us homeless and still gets everything she wants! Without meaning to sound like a child... it just isn't fair, there is no repercussion for her yes she is in a hostel too, but she has her family. She spends most weekends at either house. She has gone back to work so she only really sleeps in the hostel. This I found out from a friend of mine who knew us both when we lived together.
The other mum didn't get up until 1.45pm. I started dinner at 2pm. Her one job while I was cooking was to entertain the kids, and keep them out of the kitchen. I popped in to the living room as often as I could. But they still kept coming in and I was worried that be of the kids was going to get hurt. I served dinner at 4.30. Her husband turned up at 4.45. We finished eating at just gone 5pm. Put dinky to bed at 6.20pm and spent the evening on my own. So much for Christmas!
Next year we will have our own place and my dad can come and we can have a family Christmas. I know it is just one extra person. But he is the only family we need. I felt awful with him on his own for Christmas.
He was supposed to come up boxing day but the trains were not stopping at our station for some reason. So we won't see him until Sunday. We are suppose to be going to see dinky's grandma, grandad and auntie on Saturday.
So all in all a rubbish Christmas. However hard I tried, I let dinky down.
So what is Christmas about these days?
The media portrays it as a time for families to get together and share gifts and a meal. Every advert not containing children's toys is about the Christmas dinner and all the family around the table passing round potatoes and gravy.
3 weeks before Christmas I found out that we wouldn't be spending Christmas at dinky's grandmas as they were going to go to Ireland. One of the other mums said that she was going to be alone here at christmas because her husband was working at the airport. She said we should go halves on the dinner. I agreed and said I would cook.
Then 10 days before Christmas we get an offer to go to dinky's grandad's, he hadn't seen her for 3 years, until August. She didn't know who he was. I don't think either of us would have been comfortable somewhere we didn't know with people we didn't really know. I would have been very aware that we were stuck there due to lack of transport on christmas. So I decided to stick with the original plan.
Christmas eve the other mum said she wouldn't be up until mid day, and her husband was due home at 3.30pm. I was disappointed because knowing dinky she would be up early and it would just be us. I felt a bit used. So I was going cook little after she got up and then spend an hour or two after dinner with them, then spend an hour or two trying to get dinky to go to sleep then spend the evening on my own. That is not spending Christmas together!
Being in the hostel meant that my dad couldn't come up because the rules state that no one is allowed to sleep over. Transport doesn't work on Christmas day so he was all alone in his little room.
We got up at 5 am and dinky opened all her presents. We played for a little bit in the room and then went down to the communal living room. The heating was broken in there so it was cold. Dinky spoke to my dad on the phone, then her grandma. After she started getting upset. She said we didn't have family at Christmas, she missed the little one we used to live with. She wanted to see my dad and her grandma.
I got upset because she was upset. Then I got angry. The person who made us homeless was undoubtably spending Christmas with either her mum and her housemate and daughter, or her dad, step family including mum brother and sister aunt and uncle and cousins. She would have a meal cooked for her, she would be away from the hostel she put herself in, and her kid would get spoiled rotten. Not even sparing a thought for the single mum she made homeless, and her daughter, and her father. No she makes us homeless and still gets everything she wants! Without meaning to sound like a child... it just isn't fair, there is no repercussion for her yes she is in a hostel too, but she has her family. She spends most weekends at either house. She has gone back to work so she only really sleeps in the hostel. This I found out from a friend of mine who knew us both when we lived together.
The other mum didn't get up until 1.45pm. I started dinner at 2pm. Her one job while I was cooking was to entertain the kids, and keep them out of the kitchen. I popped in to the living room as often as I could. But they still kept coming in and I was worried that be of the kids was going to get hurt. I served dinner at 4.30. Her husband turned up at 4.45. We finished eating at just gone 5pm. Put dinky to bed at 6.20pm and spent the evening on my own. So much for Christmas!
Next year we will have our own place and my dad can come and we can have a family Christmas. I know it is just one extra person. But he is the only family we need. I felt awful with him on his own for Christmas.
He was supposed to come up boxing day but the trains were not stopping at our station for some reason. So we won't see him until Sunday. We are suppose to be going to see dinky's grandma, grandad and auntie on Saturday.
So all in all a rubbish Christmas. However hard I tried, I let dinky down.
Wednesday 19 December 2012
Not feeling too great
I'm trying to make sense of how my messed up head works. I always knew I had mood swings but put them down to the PTSD. I get angry and irritable, I get down and other times I'm fine. I guess I didn't take stock of how fine meant being a little hyper and stupid. Although it had been a while since I have been that up. Just mainly went between depressed and irritable and angry.
Now it's "mood swings not unlike bipolar but they don't like to diagnose personality disorders, if you were bipolar you'd have been hospitalised by now."
Great. Just what I wanted to hear... My personality might be disordered. I know it was ages ago that she said that but I haven't had that much of a chance to reflect on it purely because she does my head in. "you have had lots of counselling, share the wealth as they say". "was it an essay like I get?". "you HAVE to stop beating yourself up!" and so on. It gets on my nerves that she doesn't think before she talks or just doesn't care about the consequences.
She might even be wrong about the personality thing. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
So I have been thinking about my moods trying to work them out for myself.
So yes, I admit I do get depressed. Lucky the longest period was 6 months. But i get that way quite a bit. I've always denied that I was depressed because I thought it many being stuck that way without medication. I didn't see how a depressed person could be happy (or extremely happy) at times. I didn't think about seeing it as periods of depression.
So this is how I see the mood thing...
When I am hyper up, well, I don't really sleep and have lots of energy. It feels like the weight has been lifted and the mass of emotions in my chest disappears. I have only just begun linking my overspending sprees to my ups, and I get pretty creative (I start thinking I can write a book, or become an artist)l if it stayed there it would be fine but then I start to have thoughts like things go wrong because some higher power is seeing how long it would take to break me and I get proud of the fact I haven't snapped yet. Or that I'm part of a reality tv show and all this is scripted.
Then when I go back down all he way down the weight comes back really fast and the mass in my chest is overwhelming. I have to shut off to keep it under control. I berate myself for the thoughts I had. Firstly no one would make the effort to wind me up as they all have lives of their own and not one person would watch a show where I am the main participant. I'm not that interesting. I feel worthless and useless and then I start to realise all the things I haven't done like organise Christmas and chase up CAMHS, and do all the other things I'm supposed to do. It all feels too much and the depression deepens. The housework doesn't get done because I'm thinking about how to sort everything else and I get frustrated because I've had my head in the clouds. When it gets really bad I think of the situation and think dinky would be better off without me and I think about ways to end it all. But I don't want to destroy someone else. So how do I do it without destroying someone else. I can't.
I hate being like this. If I could have the ups without the spending and stupid thoughts without the harsh downs I'd be much better off! But thats not going to happen....
Now it's "mood swings not unlike bipolar but they don't like to diagnose personality disorders, if you were bipolar you'd have been hospitalised by now."
Great. Just what I wanted to hear... My personality might be disordered. I know it was ages ago that she said that but I haven't had that much of a chance to reflect on it purely because she does my head in. "you have had lots of counselling, share the wealth as they say". "was it an essay like I get?". "you HAVE to stop beating yourself up!" and so on. It gets on my nerves that she doesn't think before she talks or just doesn't care about the consequences.
She might even be wrong about the personality thing. Wouldn't surprise me in the slightest.
So I have been thinking about my moods trying to work them out for myself.
So yes, I admit I do get depressed. Lucky the longest period was 6 months. But i get that way quite a bit. I've always denied that I was depressed because I thought it many being stuck that way without medication. I didn't see how a depressed person could be happy (or extremely happy) at times. I didn't think about seeing it as periods of depression.
So this is how I see the mood thing...
When I am hyper up, well, I don't really sleep and have lots of energy. It feels like the weight has been lifted and the mass of emotions in my chest disappears. I have only just begun linking my overspending sprees to my ups, and I get pretty creative (I start thinking I can write a book, or become an artist)l if it stayed there it would be fine but then I start to have thoughts like things go wrong because some higher power is seeing how long it would take to break me and I get proud of the fact I haven't snapped yet. Or that I'm part of a reality tv show and all this is scripted.
Then when I go back down all he way down the weight comes back really fast and the mass in my chest is overwhelming. I have to shut off to keep it under control. I berate myself for the thoughts I had. Firstly no one would make the effort to wind me up as they all have lives of their own and not one person would watch a show where I am the main participant. I'm not that interesting. I feel worthless and useless and then I start to realise all the things I haven't done like organise Christmas and chase up CAMHS, and do all the other things I'm supposed to do. It all feels too much and the depression deepens. The housework doesn't get done because I'm thinking about how to sort everything else and I get frustrated because I've had my head in the clouds. When it gets really bad I think of the situation and think dinky would be better off without me and I think about ways to end it all. But I don't want to destroy someone else. So how do I do it without destroying someone else. I can't.
I hate being like this. If I could have the ups without the spending and stupid thoughts without the harsh downs I'd be much better off! But thats not going to happen....
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Dinky's school
Honestly despite everything that is going wrong the one place I can rely on is the school. Dinky's school is fantastic!
Her teacher Mrs. N, she tries to keep 30 children happy throughout the day. The teaching assistant Mrs. H, well dinky says she is her best friend and does her best work for her. The deputy Mrs. W is really nice, not only is she concerned about Dinky's welfare along with the other 269 children but she also considers their families too. She got dinky into pay therapy within 8 weeks of her being at school. S, the play therapist, she really connects with the kids she sees. I'm so grateful to her for what she does with her.
It was the infant school performance today, I was so proud of my girl, she didn't exactly do as she was told or follow the rules, but she sang and danced and was so happy, which made me happy and was on the verge of tears. I could have burst watching her perform. Sat directly in front of me was the play therapist. She pulled me into the play room and she asked about what we were going to do for Christmas. She was kind and said nice things but it is hard being here for Christmas. No matter how i try and tell people we will be fine, I don't necessarily believe it. Dinky will be mostly happy, although this Christmas will be hard for her, its her first Christmas without the kid we lived with, it's the first one she will remember with no contact from her grandma or grandad, it is her first christmas where my dad doesn't spend the day with her. We have a little room so it will be difficult for her to play and I can't help but think she deserves a million times better than what I can do. It doesn't help that all the adverts are of happy, normal (ish) families all celebrating Christmas in their houses, with all the lights, decorations and smiles. Half the time I want to smash the tv, shield her from the reality this year. She doesn't need to know that tons of families will all get together for the big day and have a big dinner and the kids run around the houses playing with all the new toys at once because they have the space to do so. She doesn't need that. As much as I try to look on the bright side of it, we have each other, she will be happy she got everything on her list and she will see my dad for most of that week just not Christmas day because he doesn't drive and transport shuts down. But the bad side does outweigh the good stuff. I don't know how she will see it. I just hope she doesn't remember it as she gets older.
I can't wait for this whole experience to be a distant memory. One of those "yeah, when dinky was 4 we lived in a hostel, we spent christmas there on our own which was crap, but have had great Christmases ever since!".
Her teacher Mrs. N, she tries to keep 30 children happy throughout the day. The teaching assistant Mrs. H, well dinky says she is her best friend and does her best work for her. The deputy Mrs. W is really nice, not only is she concerned about Dinky's welfare along with the other 269 children but she also considers their families too. She got dinky into pay therapy within 8 weeks of her being at school. S, the play therapist, she really connects with the kids she sees. I'm so grateful to her for what she does with her.
It was the infant school performance today, I was so proud of my girl, she didn't exactly do as she was told or follow the rules, but she sang and danced and was so happy, which made me happy and was on the verge of tears. I could have burst watching her perform. Sat directly in front of me was the play therapist. She pulled me into the play room and she asked about what we were going to do for Christmas. She was kind and said nice things but it is hard being here for Christmas. No matter how i try and tell people we will be fine, I don't necessarily believe it. Dinky will be mostly happy, although this Christmas will be hard for her, its her first Christmas without the kid we lived with, it's the first one she will remember with no contact from her grandma or grandad, it is her first christmas where my dad doesn't spend the day with her. We have a little room so it will be difficult for her to play and I can't help but think she deserves a million times better than what I can do. It doesn't help that all the adverts are of happy, normal (ish) families all celebrating Christmas in their houses, with all the lights, decorations and smiles. Half the time I want to smash the tv, shield her from the reality this year. She doesn't need to know that tons of families will all get together for the big day and have a big dinner and the kids run around the houses playing with all the new toys at once because they have the space to do so. She doesn't need that. As much as I try to look on the bright side of it, we have each other, she will be happy she got everything on her list and she will see my dad for most of that week just not Christmas day because he doesn't drive and transport shuts down. But the bad side does outweigh the good stuff. I don't know how she will see it. I just hope she doesn't remember it as she gets older.
I can't wait for this whole experience to be a distant memory. One of those "yeah, when dinky was 4 we lived in a hostel, we spent christmas there on our own which was crap, but have had great Christmases ever since!".
Monday 17 December 2012
Do I or don't I?
Do I or don't I try and change mental health nurse?
I can just see what the first appointment after she gets back from holiday will be like.
S: so how have you been?
Me: well, stressed mainly. Still homeless, still bidding, still haven't heard back from integrated services which is where CAMHS directed dinky's referral, I have been looking for jobs but none seem to be suitable for a single mum..
S: why are none suitable for single mums
Me: because I'm 26 and the only experience I have is retail, they want evening and weekend workers and IF you can find a childminder willing to work past 6pm and on weekends they want unsociable hours pay which is more than my wage for those hours, then there is the act that if I work evenings I have to pick dinky up late from a childminders house and bring her back to the hostel because I'd have to get one near her school because no others would pick up from the other side of the town, which means she will go to bed late and she only gets 9-10 hours sleep as it is.
Aside from that you said I should try being a carer. The problem with that is that you have to actually want to care for these people, that aside if you are just looking for employment, most of the care roles are to peoples homes and most care agencies want you to drive so you can get to more houses in your working hours. I don't drive. Even if I could get into a care home to do it it's shift work. Again not possible with a young child and the same problems arise again.
So the whole effort of looking for jobs has been stressful and irritating. Most office jobs are only giving entry level jobs to under 25s as part of an apprenticeship and I'm too old. I'd go and ask for my job back at the sports place but my hours were reduced for a reason. Even though the manager left the new manager is the one from the old place where I used to live and he reduced my hours before I moved up here. Probably for the same reasons as the manager that just left.
The other parts about looking for a job that is stressful is everything else that then becomes a problem if I do miraculously find a job that is daytime and no weekends or shifts include.... Having to take time off when I finally get housed to move. Having to take time off to attend any appointments for dinky in regard to integrated services. Ending help here too. Which I might like to remind you that you said that I am not currently mentally strong enough for counselling but apparently I am quite able to go back to work... How does that work?
S: mumbles and says something wildly inappropriate which I have to ignore
Me: aside from that I still don't have a clue what is wrong with me, I want to get better and I don't particularly want to get fired because I'm all over the place. I also don't get why you put me forward for the well being place because I won't be able to attend there either.
Then there is the biggest factor which I only just touched upon and that is dinky. With everything going on and her problems with attachment and so on is it really wise to leave her in the hands of someone else when everything changes again? When she is introduced to the people from integrated services and when we move house. Where is her stability if she is being picked up by yet another new face because I'm at work, and we move house and I have to try and get her used to the idea of all these changes and I'm not around to deal with the consequences.
So if I find this miraculous job it's just going to cause nothing but issues and problems and heartache and I'll go another 2-5 years trying to keep myself together and end up failing miserably and lose my job because I'm a mess.
So... Hope you had a lovely holiday, but I think I'll leave now because it is obvious you are not going to support me, only confuse me and wind me up and I have job hunting to do!
I get up and walk out whether or not she tries to talk to me...
So yeah I see it going really really well!
(FYI sarcasm is not the lowest form of wit it is merely a tool to stop people wanting to rip peoples heads off!)
So it's Monday.
No houses to bid on this week. Still playing the waiting game with everything else.
Good news... Tomorrow is dinkys school Christmas performance! I can't wait to watch her singing her heart out! All the Christmas presents are wrapped, Christmas food brought, and dinky should be one happy little monkey come Christmas morning!
So that's it for today, if I keep writing I'll only do my own head in and I have to pretend to be 'normal' when I pick dinky up from school!
I can just see what the first appointment after she gets back from holiday will be like.
S: so how have you been?
Me: well, stressed mainly. Still homeless, still bidding, still haven't heard back from integrated services which is where CAMHS directed dinky's referral, I have been looking for jobs but none seem to be suitable for a single mum..
S: why are none suitable for single mums
Me: because I'm 26 and the only experience I have is retail, they want evening and weekend workers and IF you can find a childminder willing to work past 6pm and on weekends they want unsociable hours pay which is more than my wage for those hours, then there is the act that if I work evenings I have to pick dinky up late from a childminders house and bring her back to the hostel because I'd have to get one near her school because no others would pick up from the other side of the town, which means she will go to bed late and she only gets 9-10 hours sleep as it is.
Aside from that you said I should try being a carer. The problem with that is that you have to actually want to care for these people, that aside if you are just looking for employment, most of the care roles are to peoples homes and most care agencies want you to drive so you can get to more houses in your working hours. I don't drive. Even if I could get into a care home to do it it's shift work. Again not possible with a young child and the same problems arise again.
So the whole effort of looking for jobs has been stressful and irritating. Most office jobs are only giving entry level jobs to under 25s as part of an apprenticeship and I'm too old. I'd go and ask for my job back at the sports place but my hours were reduced for a reason. Even though the manager left the new manager is the one from the old place where I used to live and he reduced my hours before I moved up here. Probably for the same reasons as the manager that just left.
The other parts about looking for a job that is stressful is everything else that then becomes a problem if I do miraculously find a job that is daytime and no weekends or shifts include.... Having to take time off when I finally get housed to move. Having to take time off to attend any appointments for dinky in regard to integrated services. Ending help here too. Which I might like to remind you that you said that I am not currently mentally strong enough for counselling but apparently I am quite able to go back to work... How does that work?
S: mumbles and says something wildly inappropriate which I have to ignore
Me: aside from that I still don't have a clue what is wrong with me, I want to get better and I don't particularly want to get fired because I'm all over the place. I also don't get why you put me forward for the well being place because I won't be able to attend there either.
Then there is the biggest factor which I only just touched upon and that is dinky. With everything going on and her problems with attachment and so on is it really wise to leave her in the hands of someone else when everything changes again? When she is introduced to the people from integrated services and when we move house. Where is her stability if she is being picked up by yet another new face because I'm at work, and we move house and I have to try and get her used to the idea of all these changes and I'm not around to deal with the consequences.
So if I find this miraculous job it's just going to cause nothing but issues and problems and heartache and I'll go another 2-5 years trying to keep myself together and end up failing miserably and lose my job because I'm a mess.
So... Hope you had a lovely holiday, but I think I'll leave now because it is obvious you are not going to support me, only confuse me and wind me up and I have job hunting to do!
I get up and walk out whether or not she tries to talk to me...
So yeah I see it going really really well!
(FYI sarcasm is not the lowest form of wit it is merely a tool to stop people wanting to rip peoples heads off!)
So it's Monday.
No houses to bid on this week. Still playing the waiting game with everything else.
Good news... Tomorrow is dinkys school Christmas performance! I can't wait to watch her singing her heart out! All the Christmas presents are wrapped, Christmas food brought, and dinky should be one happy little monkey come Christmas morning!
So that's it for today, if I keep writing I'll only do my own head in and I have to pretend to be 'normal' when I pick dinky up from school!
Sunday 16 December 2012
Feeling out of control of everything
To be honest I'm pretty sick and tired of the current situations.
I phoned CAMHS back regarding dinky... They FINALLY got dinky's referral but passed it straight onto integrated services. They didn't really explain what it was so I did some research on the Internet and found that it is a multi disciplinary team with CAMHS, social services and other organisations. I don't know which other service will be involved as they are age related. There is one that is birth to 5 but dinky turns 5 in feb, so there is another service that is 5-10 but I don't know if that means waiting until she is 5 for that service to get involved.
At first I got really paranoid because of social service involvement, but I talked myself round after reading that they opt for multi disciplinary teams normally if the parent has mental health issues and if the family have housing issues. It doesn't necessarily mean they will take dinky away. From what the play therapist said dinky is as good as she is because I'm doing an ok job, I don't hit her, she is fed, bathed, clothed and everything so there is no reason for social services to even consider that she would be better off anywhere else, but they could prove to be of assistance in the housing situation and in getting dinky the right help.
I haven't heard back from CMHT about changing mental health nurses. I'll have to phone them again next week.
I still have some of the things she said swimming around my head. I don't want her to think I went to her to skive from the job centre but I really don't feel in a position to go back to work. She said I should become a carer, but I don't think I could do that. Some days I haven't the energy to maintain anything other than my daughter's well being, I don't even look after myself I don't know how she expects me to look after others as a job. Also there are not many care homes round here and other care jobs want people who can drive. I don't have a licence. So that's that out of the window plus they want weekend and evening workers and I can't do that with dinky and the same problem exists with retail. I can't go back to my old job as I left because my hours were reduced (I definitely think it was due to my mood swings and stress levels, I don't think I'd be welcomed back.)
Every other job which doesn't require qualifications you need experience or they want evening and weekends. I just can't win.
I found myself driving myself crazy over everything so I phoned the mental health line and the woman said I was intelligent. Now, not only am I not very good with compliments, but I find it very irritating being told you are intelligent. Only because it doesn't change the fact that I have not got the concentration levels for education and the mood swings don't help either. It is basically like saying your intelligent but will still be stuck in a dead end job whichever way you look at it.
I hope I can get a better mental health nurse. One that actually cares. Bidding day tomorrow... Hopefully we will be further up the list.
Christmas is coming and I'm getting stressed because I got dinky everything she wanted but she can't play with half of them because there is just not enough space.
Plus I don't relish having to spend the day with one of the other mums. I shouldn't have agreed to it, but I just don't want to be around other people at the moment. I don't think it will be long before she figures out that I have issues. That means questions that I don't want to answer and normally I end up having to listen to other peoples life stories because I don't want to reveal my own....
Grrr not in a good mood!
I phoned CAMHS back regarding dinky... They FINALLY got dinky's referral but passed it straight onto integrated services. They didn't really explain what it was so I did some research on the Internet and found that it is a multi disciplinary team with CAMHS, social services and other organisations. I don't know which other service will be involved as they are age related. There is one that is birth to 5 but dinky turns 5 in feb, so there is another service that is 5-10 but I don't know if that means waiting until she is 5 for that service to get involved.
At first I got really paranoid because of social service involvement, but I talked myself round after reading that they opt for multi disciplinary teams normally if the parent has mental health issues and if the family have housing issues. It doesn't necessarily mean they will take dinky away. From what the play therapist said dinky is as good as she is because I'm doing an ok job, I don't hit her, she is fed, bathed, clothed and everything so there is no reason for social services to even consider that she would be better off anywhere else, but they could prove to be of assistance in the housing situation and in getting dinky the right help.
I haven't heard back from CMHT about changing mental health nurses. I'll have to phone them again next week.
I still have some of the things she said swimming around my head. I don't want her to think I went to her to skive from the job centre but I really don't feel in a position to go back to work. She said I should become a carer, but I don't think I could do that. Some days I haven't the energy to maintain anything other than my daughter's well being, I don't even look after myself I don't know how she expects me to look after others as a job. Also there are not many care homes round here and other care jobs want people who can drive. I don't have a licence. So that's that out of the window plus they want weekend and evening workers and I can't do that with dinky and the same problem exists with retail. I can't go back to my old job as I left because my hours were reduced (I definitely think it was due to my mood swings and stress levels, I don't think I'd be welcomed back.)
Every other job which doesn't require qualifications you need experience or they want evening and weekends. I just can't win.
I found myself driving myself crazy over everything so I phoned the mental health line and the woman said I was intelligent. Now, not only am I not very good with compliments, but I find it very irritating being told you are intelligent. Only because it doesn't change the fact that I have not got the concentration levels for education and the mood swings don't help either. It is basically like saying your intelligent but will still be stuck in a dead end job whichever way you look at it.
I hope I can get a better mental health nurse. One that actually cares. Bidding day tomorrow... Hopefully we will be further up the list.
Christmas is coming and I'm getting stressed because I got dinky everything she wanted but she can't play with half of them because there is just not enough space.
Plus I don't relish having to spend the day with one of the other mums. I shouldn't have agreed to it, but I just don't want to be around other people at the moment. I don't think it will be long before she figures out that I have issues. That means questions that I don't want to answer and normally I end up having to listen to other peoples life stories because I don't want to reveal my own....
Grrr not in a good mood!
Tuesday 11 December 2012
Still being messed about..
So,
Yesterday I phoned CAMHS they still hadn't got dinky's referral. So I phoned the GP surgery who said it had been faxed on the 15th of November. So I phoned CAMHS back, who told me that they definitely didn't receive it. So I had to phone the surgery back, and ask them to fax it there and then, to which they said, "we'll get it faxed today." which isn't exactly reassuring since it was first supposed to be sent on the 3rd of October and it is now the 11th of December. If I phone tomorrow and they STILL haven't received it I will be taking the referral down to CAMHS myself on the train! (provided I can get the surgery to agree but after all this they better had!)
Today I went to see the play therapist. Honestly, I could not have asked for a nicer person! No wonder Dinky loves going to see her! Although she did ask me lots of rather personal questions. But I suppose that is par for the course, so we went through my involvement in mental health and why. We went through all the places we've lived in and who with. We went through all the things I am concerned about.
At the end after rescanning the 2 sheets of A4 she filled in she rubbed her head and said that for everything that is going on Dinky is a great kid, utterly adorable and she said that I had done a great job, considering what we've been through that makes it an even better job. Well, I'm not one for compliments and sometimes drive people crazy when I go red and ask them to please be quiet, but it was nice to hear that Dinky is actually okish. Apparently for everything that is going on she could be a lot worse. So I have to be thankful for that at least. She did say that CAMHS is a good idea. And if I don't hear anything soon to give her a call and she will push for Dinky to be seen quickly considering the amount of waiting we have always done because of the doctors surgery.
In other news....
I have decided that maybe S is not the right mental health nurse for me. Not only was the role reversal thing last week a joke but she can be very insensitive and condescending at times. I have just about had my fill of that for the time being. So I phoned CMHT and they said they would get the right person to get back to me. I'm sure they will forget and I'll have to phone again. So more stress and pressure. But surely it is better than dreading seeing her after the Christmas holidays?
Still waiting to hear form the well being place. Still in the hostel.
So that's me for now. Let's see what the rest of the week brings!
Yesterday I phoned CAMHS they still hadn't got dinky's referral. So I phoned the GP surgery who said it had been faxed on the 15th of November. So I phoned CAMHS back, who told me that they definitely didn't receive it. So I had to phone the surgery back, and ask them to fax it there and then, to which they said, "we'll get it faxed today." which isn't exactly reassuring since it was first supposed to be sent on the 3rd of October and it is now the 11th of December. If I phone tomorrow and they STILL haven't received it I will be taking the referral down to CAMHS myself on the train! (provided I can get the surgery to agree but after all this they better had!)
Today I went to see the play therapist. Honestly, I could not have asked for a nicer person! No wonder Dinky loves going to see her! Although she did ask me lots of rather personal questions. But I suppose that is par for the course, so we went through my involvement in mental health and why. We went through all the places we've lived in and who with. We went through all the things I am concerned about.
At the end after rescanning the 2 sheets of A4 she filled in she rubbed her head and said that for everything that is going on Dinky is a great kid, utterly adorable and she said that I had done a great job, considering what we've been through that makes it an even better job. Well, I'm not one for compliments and sometimes drive people crazy when I go red and ask them to please be quiet, but it was nice to hear that Dinky is actually okish. Apparently for everything that is going on she could be a lot worse. So I have to be thankful for that at least. She did say that CAMHS is a good idea. And if I don't hear anything soon to give her a call and she will push for Dinky to be seen quickly considering the amount of waiting we have always done because of the doctors surgery.
In other news....
I have decided that maybe S is not the right mental health nurse for me. Not only was the role reversal thing last week a joke but she can be very insensitive and condescending at times. I have just about had my fill of that for the time being. So I phoned CMHT and they said they would get the right person to get back to me. I'm sure they will forget and I'll have to phone again. So more stress and pressure. But surely it is better than dreading seeing her after the Christmas holidays?
Still waiting to hear form the well being place. Still in the hostel.
So that's me for now. Let's see what the rest of the week brings!
Thursday 6 December 2012
Family contact
So it's December, and miraculously I exist again in the eyes of my family. After seeing S, and writing yesterday's blog I got two messages, one on facebook and the other on my old number which is barely turned on.
First was my brother's girlfriend and mother of his two kids. She invited my dad, dinky and I for christmas. As much as I wanted to tell her what was really on my mind, I was polite and said no thanks and gave her my dads number so my brother could ask himself. I phoned my dad late last night to ask if my brother had indeed phoned but apparently he had not. My grandad and his girlfriend have been pushing my brother to involve us more in his life despite my mother's hatred of us both (my dad and I). Both my dad and I are of the same opinion that when he decides something for himself hen we might think about it. I have my own problems with my brother which I won't go into detail with, but at the moment I probably couldn't be in his presence at the moment.
The second was from my grandad. He wants my address so he an send dinky a Christmas card with £20 in. I sent him a message back saying don't worry about sending dinky a card. He got the hump, so I sent him another saying that there is no point sending a card to a kid who doesn't even know who you are. I suppose I'm still a little sore from the fact he has knowingly gone past or very close to my place of residence on 6 occasions while flying out to australia from the local airport but not once did he arrange to see us. Nor does he phone or text unless it is a birthday or some drama is going down in the family and he wants my opinion or help.
I have remained strong. I won't be going up to see any of them, for the most part it is for dinky. She does not need to see the way my family treat me and god help them if they treat her that way! This is what I wanted to talk to S about yesterday but like I said she was preoccupied with her trip to america and her holiday reading dilemma.
I just have to be strong and not get twisted up in their stupid games and lives. We are better off without them!
Other than that, today there is not much to report. Still waiting for CAMHS, still waiting for the call from the well being centre, and everything else is going how it is going.
First was my brother's girlfriend and mother of his two kids. She invited my dad, dinky and I for christmas. As much as I wanted to tell her what was really on my mind, I was polite and said no thanks and gave her my dads number so my brother could ask himself. I phoned my dad late last night to ask if my brother had indeed phoned but apparently he had not. My grandad and his girlfriend have been pushing my brother to involve us more in his life despite my mother's hatred of us both (my dad and I). Both my dad and I are of the same opinion that when he decides something for himself hen we might think about it. I have my own problems with my brother which I won't go into detail with, but at the moment I probably couldn't be in his presence at the moment.
The second was from my grandad. He wants my address so he an send dinky a Christmas card with £20 in. I sent him a message back saying don't worry about sending dinky a card. He got the hump, so I sent him another saying that there is no point sending a card to a kid who doesn't even know who you are. I suppose I'm still a little sore from the fact he has knowingly gone past or very close to my place of residence on 6 occasions while flying out to australia from the local airport but not once did he arrange to see us. Nor does he phone or text unless it is a birthday or some drama is going down in the family and he wants my opinion or help.
I have remained strong. I won't be going up to see any of them, for the most part it is for dinky. She does not need to see the way my family treat me and god help them if they treat her that way! This is what I wanted to talk to S about yesterday but like I said she was preoccupied with her trip to america and her holiday reading dilemma.
I just have to be strong and not get twisted up in their stupid games and lives. We are better off without them!
Other than that, today there is not much to report. Still waiting for CAMHS, still waiting for the call from the well being centre, and everything else is going how it is going.
Wednesday 5 December 2012
Who is supporting who here?
So this morning was my last appointment before S goes on holiday for 4 weeks.
Somehow I ended up reassuring her that her patients would be fine for a couple of weeks. Reminding her I'm low risk for self harm and suicide, and the other patients will know that there is other help out there if they are in distress, gps, walk in centre, mental health line, Samaritans, the recovery team, duty mental health workers ect.
She even cut me off when I tried to mention my family. And we ended up discussing books she could take on holiday! Not to sound selfish here but surely it isn't right to discuss a holiday reading dilemma with a person who has no home this Christmas and a 4 year old who will spend the holidays in a hostel?
We went back to her worrying about her patients, and me reassuring her again. I'm not the neediest person but it would have been nice to have some reassurance that dispite the circumstances Christmas would not be a major disaster in the hostel for dinky. Guess I will have to reassure myself instead... Sometimes I wonder why I still go...
Oh yeah that's right... I need to get myself straight for dinky, but I wonder if S is actually going to get me there? On the past 6 weeks I doubt it.
However I don't know what to do....
It can wait until after Christmas...
Somehow I ended up reassuring her that her patients would be fine for a couple of weeks. Reminding her I'm low risk for self harm and suicide, and the other patients will know that there is other help out there if they are in distress, gps, walk in centre, mental health line, Samaritans, the recovery team, duty mental health workers ect.
She even cut me off when I tried to mention my family. And we ended up discussing books she could take on holiday! Not to sound selfish here but surely it isn't right to discuss a holiday reading dilemma with a person who has no home this Christmas and a 4 year old who will spend the holidays in a hostel?
We went back to her worrying about her patients, and me reassuring her again. I'm not the neediest person but it would have been nice to have some reassurance that dispite the circumstances Christmas would not be a major disaster in the hostel for dinky. Guess I will have to reassure myself instead... Sometimes I wonder why I still go...
Oh yeah that's right... I need to get myself straight for dinky, but I wonder if S is actually going to get me there? On the past 6 weeks I doubt it.
However I don't know what to do....
It can wait until after Christmas...
Tuesday 4 December 2012
And so the week began...
Yesterday was a full on day!
I got Dinky to school for 8.30, stayed to do her phonics, she was great! I had breakfast with one of the other mums who had kindly agreed to pick dinky up from school as the second appointment would end too close to the bus time and I would be cutting it fine to pick her up on time. I went into town and to the job centre for my work focused interview. Once I mentioned that I was in a hostel and was under CMHT she said I should probably go to Employment and Support Allowance when my income support ended the week dinky turns 5. That was the end of the appointment. So I had 2 hours to kill while I waited for my assessment with the mental health link services and cafe. So I did some more Christmas shopping. It was freezing so I took a slow walk to the building. I was 15 minutes early. So I sat down and waited for my assessment. I hate assessments. They obviously serve a purpose but it always feels like a test.
The woman doing the assessment was really nice. She explained the service and asked if I thought it was a good match for my needs. When she asked about my income she said "so you are in ESA?" I said "no I'm on income support" for some reason that always throws people. S had a similar reaction. Like they expected me to be on ESA, granted I would have an extra £120 a month if I asked to be signed off but I haven't because it is bad enough being on benefit, without taking more from the public purse. Although I might have to claim ESA in February if S doesn't think I'm ready to deal with the stress of looking and retaining work.
Another one that threw the woman was Disability Living Allowance. Well I haven't got a diagnosis of any mental health disorder or whatever the politically correct term is for mental health issues, so why would I make a claim for DLA?
Anyway an hour later and agreeing to a link worker and going along to some of the social activities later (I don't particularly want to be around people but S thinks I need to socialise more) the meeting ends. They just have to wait for S to sign off on it and then I'll get a phone call telling me when to come and meet the link worker.
I picked dinky up from her friends house after spending 2 hours there watching dinky play and eat, got her home, got her to bed and felt shattered!
Today should have been easier. The only appointment was half an hour with the play therapist to discuss dinky and her needs, and to give her a fuller picture of dinky's behavioural problems and anger and a little background info on what has been going on.
Except, because the bus driver was 15 minutes late, which would make him late for lunch, the bus wasn't going to the school. So I missed the appointment. I was furious! I have had to rearrange the appointment for next week. It might not sound like a big deal but I really wanted to be able to get this over and done with and get a chance to ask the questions I wanted to ask. Obviously the bus driver being 15 minutes late for lunch was more important than the 30 odd passengers getting to their destinations.
So there is a lot to tell S in the last appointment until the week beginning the 7th January.
It just seems as if there is someone or something out there destined to screw things up on a weekly basis. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that it drives me nuts!
Oh and I still haven't heard back from CAMHS, I should hear by next Wednesday or I have to phone again. I am just hoping there hasn't been another setback. But knowing my luck... Something will go wrong, I can hope otherwise but it is better to be realistic, that way there is less disappointment.
I got Dinky to school for 8.30, stayed to do her phonics, she was great! I had breakfast with one of the other mums who had kindly agreed to pick dinky up from school as the second appointment would end too close to the bus time and I would be cutting it fine to pick her up on time. I went into town and to the job centre for my work focused interview. Once I mentioned that I was in a hostel and was under CMHT she said I should probably go to Employment and Support Allowance when my income support ended the week dinky turns 5. That was the end of the appointment. So I had 2 hours to kill while I waited for my assessment with the mental health link services and cafe. So I did some more Christmas shopping. It was freezing so I took a slow walk to the building. I was 15 minutes early. So I sat down and waited for my assessment. I hate assessments. They obviously serve a purpose but it always feels like a test.
The woman doing the assessment was really nice. She explained the service and asked if I thought it was a good match for my needs. When she asked about my income she said "so you are in ESA?" I said "no I'm on income support" for some reason that always throws people. S had a similar reaction. Like they expected me to be on ESA, granted I would have an extra £120 a month if I asked to be signed off but I haven't because it is bad enough being on benefit, without taking more from the public purse. Although I might have to claim ESA in February if S doesn't think I'm ready to deal with the stress of looking and retaining work.
Another one that threw the woman was Disability Living Allowance. Well I haven't got a diagnosis of any mental health disorder or whatever the politically correct term is for mental health issues, so why would I make a claim for DLA?
Anyway an hour later and agreeing to a link worker and going along to some of the social activities later (I don't particularly want to be around people but S thinks I need to socialise more) the meeting ends. They just have to wait for S to sign off on it and then I'll get a phone call telling me when to come and meet the link worker.
I picked dinky up from her friends house after spending 2 hours there watching dinky play and eat, got her home, got her to bed and felt shattered!
Today should have been easier. The only appointment was half an hour with the play therapist to discuss dinky and her needs, and to give her a fuller picture of dinky's behavioural problems and anger and a little background info on what has been going on.
Except, because the bus driver was 15 minutes late, which would make him late for lunch, the bus wasn't going to the school. So I missed the appointment. I was furious! I have had to rearrange the appointment for next week. It might not sound like a big deal but I really wanted to be able to get this over and done with and get a chance to ask the questions I wanted to ask. Obviously the bus driver being 15 minutes late for lunch was more important than the 30 odd passengers getting to their destinations.
So there is a lot to tell S in the last appointment until the week beginning the 7th January.
It just seems as if there is someone or something out there destined to screw things up on a weekly basis. It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that it drives me nuts!
Oh and I still haven't heard back from CAMHS, I should hear by next Wednesday or I have to phone again. I am just hoping there hasn't been another setback. But knowing my luck... Something will go wrong, I can hope otherwise but it is better to be realistic, that way there is less disappointment.
Thursday 29 November 2012
December is almost upon us
With dinky's grandparents moving to Ireland, I have to make this the best Christmas ever, even in the hostel. We are still waiting for the CAMHS referral, and I'm going to see her play therapist next week on Tuesday to discuss dinky and what the therapist can do for her while we wait for CAMHS. I have an assessment on Monday with a place called steps well being, they offer support and advice to those with mental health issues on a number of issues, including housing. So that's another step in the right direction. Everything is in place, but I'm an impatient person. Waiting, waiting, waiting. I hate waiting for things. We've waited 7 months so far in the hostel, we've waited 2 months for the CAMHS referral (not CAMHS fault, it was the GP surgery that held it up for 4and a half weeks) , I waited a month for the steps well being assessment, and I've waited 2 months to discuss dinky with the play therapist.
The other side of it is, everything stops for 3/4 weeks at Christmas. No play therapy for dinky, no appointments with S, and the CAMHS referral with probably lead to an appointment in January or February or possibly even March, and the steps well being place will probably start working with me in January.
It leads to an overwhelming sense of aloneness around the Christmas period for us. We won't be lonely as such, we have each other, and on Christmas day another resident is staying here with her 18 month old. I'm not reliant on services, but at the moment we could really use the support and it is being withdrawn. I know we will get to January just fine, we will have the best Christmas possible and dinky has got nearly everything she has asked for. As long as she is happy I'll be pretty happy.
Tomorrow my dad is coming up to play Xbox and moan about work, then he will be back Saturday, I have Sunday as a day of rest, and then monday is the start of a busy week.
I probably won't blog over the weekend, but then I doubt anyone reads this anyway.
The other side of it is, everything stops for 3/4 weeks at Christmas. No play therapy for dinky, no appointments with S, and the CAMHS referral with probably lead to an appointment in January or February or possibly even March, and the steps well being place will probably start working with me in January.
It leads to an overwhelming sense of aloneness around the Christmas period for us. We won't be lonely as such, we have each other, and on Christmas day another resident is staying here with her 18 month old. I'm not reliant on services, but at the moment we could really use the support and it is being withdrawn. I know we will get to January just fine, we will have the best Christmas possible and dinky has got nearly everything she has asked for. As long as she is happy I'll be pretty happy.
Tomorrow my dad is coming up to play Xbox and moan about work, then he will be back Saturday, I have Sunday as a day of rest, and then monday is the start of a busy week.
I probably won't blog over the weekend, but then I doubt anyone reads this anyway.
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Another complication
Dinky is a result of a drunken one night stand... The one and only one night stand I ever partook in, but she is here because of it none the less. Her biological father has never wanted anything to do with her. He has never seen her or provided her with anything. His mum has seen her a few times and even had her overnight for a few days. Dinky is very close with her grandma, her husband and their 1 year old labrador Buster.
Yesterday I had a phone call from her grandma. They are moving to Ireland in just over 2 weeks. While it might be the right thing for them to do for themselves it is going to have a devastating affect on dinky. She already fears people leaving her, and this is 2 people and a dog she is very attached to leaving her. It is all well and good the grandparents saying they will have her over in Ireland for holidays and talk to her on the phone, but previously they have let dinky down plenty of times and even living just 2 hours drive away, they never saw her as much as they said they would. They never phone her as much as they said they would either. I don't even know how to break this to dinky. She is going to be heartbroken. The grandmother said she would tell dinky what was going on but I'm worried that she will give false promises and offers which will never get followed through. That might ease her guilt knowing that dinky is being referred to CAMHS and is receiving play therapy at school, but it won't do dinky any favours in the long run. She will get all excited about going to Ireland on a plane and it will never happen.
I worried that it will make dinky's behaviour, anger and attachment issues so much worse. I'm worried about how much it will affect her, her education and her relationships with others.
Then to top it all off they want to see her before they go, which might have to be a school day, so they want me to take her out of school. No consideration to dinky's education either. I really am getting fed up with it all.
So I spent 30 minutes talking to the deputy head of dinky's school about the situation. She is going to get back to me about the possibility of letting dinky have a day off companionate leave as she agreed with me that saying goodbye was important, and hopefully at least with a goodbye she can understand it more. Dinky is not yet actually compulsory school age as she doesn't turn 5 until February, so it shouldn't be a problem. Thankfully the deputy head is going to speak to dinky's play therapist and get her to phone me so we can work out how to do this in the right way to minimise the damage to dinky.
It is just another thing to work out, sort and deal with.
So another week, another complication, and something else for S to raise her eyebrows at next week.
Yesterday I had a phone call from her grandma. They are moving to Ireland in just over 2 weeks. While it might be the right thing for them to do for themselves it is going to have a devastating affect on dinky. She already fears people leaving her, and this is 2 people and a dog she is very attached to leaving her. It is all well and good the grandparents saying they will have her over in Ireland for holidays and talk to her on the phone, but previously they have let dinky down plenty of times and even living just 2 hours drive away, they never saw her as much as they said they would. They never phone her as much as they said they would either. I don't even know how to break this to dinky. She is going to be heartbroken. The grandmother said she would tell dinky what was going on but I'm worried that she will give false promises and offers which will never get followed through. That might ease her guilt knowing that dinky is being referred to CAMHS and is receiving play therapy at school, but it won't do dinky any favours in the long run. She will get all excited about going to Ireland on a plane and it will never happen.
I worried that it will make dinky's behaviour, anger and attachment issues so much worse. I'm worried about how much it will affect her, her education and her relationships with others.
Then to top it all off they want to see her before they go, which might have to be a school day, so they want me to take her out of school. No consideration to dinky's education either. I really am getting fed up with it all.
So I spent 30 minutes talking to the deputy head of dinky's school about the situation. She is going to get back to me about the possibility of letting dinky have a day off companionate leave as she agreed with me that saying goodbye was important, and hopefully at least with a goodbye she can understand it more. Dinky is not yet actually compulsory school age as she doesn't turn 5 until February, so it shouldn't be a problem. Thankfully the deputy head is going to speak to dinky's play therapist and get her to phone me so we can work out how to do this in the right way to minimise the damage to dinky.
It is just another thing to work out, sort and deal with.
So another week, another complication, and something else for S to raise her eyebrows at next week.
Monday 26 November 2012
Bidding day... How it all works...
Bidding on social housing properties from the local authorities is different in different parts of the UK and so is the criteria.
Some areas work on a points system, which I think is fairer as priority goes to those who rack up the most points.
Here we have bandings,
A persons’ current housing circumstances means they will fall into one of the following bandings:
Band A+ Emergency or very urgent priority
Band A Very High Priority
Band B High Priority
Band C Medium Priority
Band D Low Priority
It is fair to say that if you join the housing register and you have been assessed as either band C or D your chances of being offered social housing from the council are very low.
Housing is allocated by banding first then by priority housing date (the date on which the housing application was made) those with the earlier date will be considered first.
Dinky and I are in band A, to get into band A+ we have to have been in the hostel/bed and breakfast for 12 months or more. We don't qualify under any of the other criteria for A+. We were in the bed and breakfast for 12 weeks (double the amount of time as set out by government legislation) and been in the hostel for just over 4 months, so we have been in band A for 7 months. Only 5 more to go until we go up a band!
Most people don't get housed until they are in A+.
There is something new in the pipelines, 3 hostels were shut down and have beenundergoing renovations to turn them into temporary accommodation 1 and 2 bedroom flats, in which a person/family can stay for up to 2 years. This was mentioned to S (my mental health nurse) and I will be considered for one of the 2 bedroom flats. Here is the rub... Do I move into temporary accommodation and then move into permanent housing, so that for a period of time we have more room.... Or... Do we stay in the room, get moved faster into permanent housing and reduce the need to move twice? The estimated completion on the renovations is early 2013. We will be moved to A+ in April 2013.
As far as bidding goes once you have a banding you get a bidding number and bidding commences on a Monday from 12am and ends Thursdays at 5pm. Bidding can be done online or through the property store in the town hall.
Thanks to my iPad and smart phone I can bid at home, it saves a trip to the town centre.
Today is bidding day!
There were 2 eligible properties today.. One not in the right area for dinky's school, and one in a better area to get to school, so I bid at 9am. It gets rather depressing when before I even bid I read that there are 11 people in front of us on the list. So I bid anyway, got to show willing, right?
I check the status of last weeks bids and find I finished 20th on the list and my bid was obviously unsuccessful. Again a depressing outlook, I have to wait for the 19 people in front of us to be housed before we get to the top of the list. Even then, it all depends on what areas in the borough people are bidding on. Unfortunately Dinky's school is situated in the most popular area, so more people bid for that area.
If it went on the points system I would bet I would be higher on the list given my mental health issues, dinky's referral to CAMHS, and dinky's education. Most of the families that have been in the hostel who have been housed have had children under 3 years. So an extra month wouldn't be so bad but we have to travel from one end of the borough to the other for school Monday-Friday. We leave at 7.30 am and get home at 4pm. By the time I give dinky her dinner and do her reading and practice her letters there isn't much time for wind down and a bath before I get her to bed at 6.30pm. This gives her the opportunity to have 12 hours sleep providing she goes to sleep soon after going to bed, and providing the woman downstairs doesn't shout at her kids to shut up and stop crying at 4.30/5am and wake dinky, which she does probably 4-6 out of 7 days. So on average dinky is up at 4.30/5am gets to school at 8.40am, gets home at 4pm, goes to bed at 6.30pm, and finally falls to sleep around 7pm. So the least amount of sleep she gets is 9- 9and a half hours a night. At her age (4) she should be getting 11-12 hours a night.
So every week I check which houses/flats we are eligible for and bid on them. I try not to get my hopes up because we are still not high enough on the list.
Although we have gone from 35 on the list of properties bid on, down to 20 in the last 4 months. Which is progress, and progress should not be dismissed, but slightly celebrated.
We have got permission from the hostel managers to decorate the whole hostel for Christmas! So at least we can make the place feel more festive! It is going to be hard, but I have to make this Christmas as good as it possibly can be for dinky! So I have brought every thing on her list, and spent a fortune on decorations.
I can't get too down about Christmas because even though the situation sucks, I at least still have dinky to celebrate with, if she is happy, I am happy. (which is why I am not happy about being here because dinky isn't.)
On the upside, there is benefits to being disowned by your entire family, apart from the lack of arguments and family tension,there is also a big financial benefit! So all the money I would have spent on my 2 younger half siblings, my niece and 3 nephews can go on making Christmas special for the only person that matters.... Dinky!
I had better stop blogging, and get on with the washing and cleaning before I have to go get dinky from school.....
Some areas work on a points system, which I think is fairer as priority goes to those who rack up the most points.
Here we have bandings,
A persons’ current housing circumstances means they will fall into one of the following bandings:
Band A+ Emergency or very urgent priority
Band A Very High Priority
Band B High Priority
Band C Medium Priority
Band D Low Priority
It is fair to say that if you join the housing register and you have been assessed as either band C or D your chances of being offered social housing from the council are very low.
Housing is allocated by banding first then by priority housing date (the date on which the housing application was made) those with the earlier date will be considered first.
Dinky and I are in band A, to get into band A+ we have to have been in the hostel/bed and breakfast for 12 months or more. We don't qualify under any of the other criteria for A+. We were in the bed and breakfast for 12 weeks (double the amount of time as set out by government legislation) and been in the hostel for just over 4 months, so we have been in band A for 7 months. Only 5 more to go until we go up a band!
Most people don't get housed until they are in A+.
There is something new in the pipelines, 3 hostels were shut down and have beenundergoing renovations to turn them into temporary accommodation 1 and 2 bedroom flats, in which a person/family can stay for up to 2 years. This was mentioned to S (my mental health nurse) and I will be considered for one of the 2 bedroom flats. Here is the rub... Do I move into temporary accommodation and then move into permanent housing, so that for a period of time we have more room.... Or... Do we stay in the room, get moved faster into permanent housing and reduce the need to move twice? The estimated completion on the renovations is early 2013. We will be moved to A+ in April 2013.
As far as bidding goes once you have a banding you get a bidding number and bidding commences on a Monday from 12am and ends Thursdays at 5pm. Bidding can be done online or through the property store in the town hall.
Thanks to my iPad and smart phone I can bid at home, it saves a trip to the town centre.
Today is bidding day!
There were 2 eligible properties today.. One not in the right area for dinky's school, and one in a better area to get to school, so I bid at 9am. It gets rather depressing when before I even bid I read that there are 11 people in front of us on the list. So I bid anyway, got to show willing, right?
I check the status of last weeks bids and find I finished 20th on the list and my bid was obviously unsuccessful. Again a depressing outlook, I have to wait for the 19 people in front of us to be housed before we get to the top of the list. Even then, it all depends on what areas in the borough people are bidding on. Unfortunately Dinky's school is situated in the most popular area, so more people bid for that area.
If it went on the points system I would bet I would be higher on the list given my mental health issues, dinky's referral to CAMHS, and dinky's education. Most of the families that have been in the hostel who have been housed have had children under 3 years. So an extra month wouldn't be so bad but we have to travel from one end of the borough to the other for school Monday-Friday. We leave at 7.30 am and get home at 4pm. By the time I give dinky her dinner and do her reading and practice her letters there isn't much time for wind down and a bath before I get her to bed at 6.30pm. This gives her the opportunity to have 12 hours sleep providing she goes to sleep soon after going to bed, and providing the woman downstairs doesn't shout at her kids to shut up and stop crying at 4.30/5am and wake dinky, which she does probably 4-6 out of 7 days. So on average dinky is up at 4.30/5am gets to school at 8.40am, gets home at 4pm, goes to bed at 6.30pm, and finally falls to sleep around 7pm. So the least amount of sleep she gets is 9- 9and a half hours a night. At her age (4) she should be getting 11-12 hours a night.
So every week I check which houses/flats we are eligible for and bid on them. I try not to get my hopes up because we are still not high enough on the list.
Although we have gone from 35 on the list of properties bid on, down to 20 in the last 4 months. Which is progress, and progress should not be dismissed, but slightly celebrated.
We have got permission from the hostel managers to decorate the whole hostel for Christmas! So at least we can make the place feel more festive! It is going to be hard, but I have to make this Christmas as good as it possibly can be for dinky! So I have brought every thing on her list, and spent a fortune on decorations.
I can't get too down about Christmas because even though the situation sucks, I at least still have dinky to celebrate with, if she is happy, I am happy. (which is why I am not happy about being here because dinky isn't.)
On the upside, there is benefits to being disowned by your entire family, apart from the lack of arguments and family tension,there is also a big financial benefit! So all the money I would have spent on my 2 younger half siblings, my niece and 3 nephews can go on making Christmas special for the only person that matters.... Dinky!
I had better stop blogging, and get on with the washing and cleaning before I have to go get dinky from school.....
Sunday 25 November 2012
The subject of diagnosis
I know I have blogged once already today but this is bugging me and has done for weeks.
When I was referred to CHMT it was because the short term counsellor had written a summary report of the sessions to the GP and had highlighted possible PTSD. Something another two Counsellors had highlighted but nothing had ever been formally diagnosed.
So why is it bugging me? Well it would be nice to know what is going on in my mind and it doesn't make it any easier for me when housing and housing support workers want to know of any mental health problems, what do I say? Well, nothing formally diagnosed, but I am seeing a community mental health nurse called S who thinks I may or may not have PTSD. Then what... I fall out of the criteria for any assistance or considerations. I must admit partly my fault for having the attention span of a goldfish at times, but S said there could be a personality disorder not dissimilar to bi-polar but they don't like to diagnose them because of the stigma. Now I might have missed something but isn't the point to get a diagnosis so that I can get the right treatment. Although I never asked if I would be entitled to different treatment with a diagnosis. All I know is that I can't live like this much longer. I've done ok, spent 10 years holding it all back but time doesn't heal mental health issues, if anything I'd say it makes it worse. I can't for the life of me work out why she put me on antidepressants back in October, I mean I know why at the time and why I accepted them at the time. I felt really low and thought it was in dinky's best interest if I wasn't around. I stopped taking them for the same reason I said I would only take them if she thought it was an absolute necessity, which is, I am not always depressed or low in mood. And never for long enough for the antidepressants to actually do any work. The longest I have been low in mood or depressed is a couple of months. Then I revert to holding it all in laughing and joking and sometimes I get a little hyper. I mentioned a friend of mine saying I had very similar ups and downs to her bipolar friend even I do my best to conceal it. S said if I was bipolar then I would have been hospitalised by now, but it could be something not too dissimilar then she mumbled rapid cycling.
And there ends the discussion of diagnosis. I'm scared to bring it back up. But now I'm at a loss as to what the appointments are actually for as she won't refer me back to counselling because I'm apparently not mentally strong enough at the present time.
So here I am, a single mum to a challenging but awesome 4 year old, living in a hostel with no home comforts (our room just about fits in 2 single beds, a wardrobe a chest of draws, a sink with 1 metre of work surface and a sink and a fridge freezer), every week brings more stress, I'm up and down more than the detonator ride at Thorpe park, I am having the horrible side to the PTSD symptoms I'm there for in the first place and I'm barely holding myself together.
I think in the last appointment on the 5th before she goes away for a month, I need to ask her some questions. Like what are we actually doing? and where is this leading? Because if nothing is going to come out of it I might aswell call it a day, and let her go on holiday knowing when she gets back that's one patient less on her list to catch up with... Plus if two weeks has lots of crap, I wonder what will happen over a month with Christmas three quarters of the way through?
Should be interesting!
When I was referred to CHMT it was because the short term counsellor had written a summary report of the sessions to the GP and had highlighted possible PTSD. Something another two Counsellors had highlighted but nothing had ever been formally diagnosed.
So why is it bugging me? Well it would be nice to know what is going on in my mind and it doesn't make it any easier for me when housing and housing support workers want to know of any mental health problems, what do I say? Well, nothing formally diagnosed, but I am seeing a community mental health nurse called S who thinks I may or may not have PTSD. Then what... I fall out of the criteria for any assistance or considerations. I must admit partly my fault for having the attention span of a goldfish at times, but S said there could be a personality disorder not dissimilar to bi-polar but they don't like to diagnose them because of the stigma. Now I might have missed something but isn't the point to get a diagnosis so that I can get the right treatment. Although I never asked if I would be entitled to different treatment with a diagnosis. All I know is that I can't live like this much longer. I've done ok, spent 10 years holding it all back but time doesn't heal mental health issues, if anything I'd say it makes it worse. I can't for the life of me work out why she put me on antidepressants back in October, I mean I know why at the time and why I accepted them at the time. I felt really low and thought it was in dinky's best interest if I wasn't around. I stopped taking them for the same reason I said I would only take them if she thought it was an absolute necessity, which is, I am not always depressed or low in mood. And never for long enough for the antidepressants to actually do any work. The longest I have been low in mood or depressed is a couple of months. Then I revert to holding it all in laughing and joking and sometimes I get a little hyper. I mentioned a friend of mine saying I had very similar ups and downs to her bipolar friend even I do my best to conceal it. S said if I was bipolar then I would have been hospitalised by now, but it could be something not too dissimilar then she mumbled rapid cycling.
And there ends the discussion of diagnosis. I'm scared to bring it back up. But now I'm at a loss as to what the appointments are actually for as she won't refer me back to counselling because I'm apparently not mentally strong enough at the present time.
So here I am, a single mum to a challenging but awesome 4 year old, living in a hostel with no home comforts (our room just about fits in 2 single beds, a wardrobe a chest of draws, a sink with 1 metre of work surface and a sink and a fridge freezer), every week brings more stress, I'm up and down more than the detonator ride at Thorpe park, I am having the horrible side to the PTSD symptoms I'm there for in the first place and I'm barely holding myself together.
I think in the last appointment on the 5th before she goes away for a month, I need to ask her some questions. Like what are we actually doing? and where is this leading? Because if nothing is going to come out of it I might aswell call it a day, and let her go on holiday knowing when she gets back that's one patient less on her list to catch up with... Plus if two weeks has lots of crap, I wonder what will happen over a month with Christmas three quarters of the way through?
Should be interesting!
Where we are at...
So this is my first post...
My life is never simple... I said that to S (my mental health nurse) when I first saw her back in September but I think she took it as a depressive statement rather than fact. Everytime I see her there is a huge list of events that suck.
For example... I saw S on Thursday, in the two weeks before...
I phoned CAMHs to see if they got dinky's referral that was sent in October, they hadn't.
So I phoned the GP practice only to find it was awaiting my signature and for me to fill in my section.
I go down to fill it in and sign it, only to find the referral section filled by the GP was copied and pasted from August, and no relevant info was on there.
So I arrange a GP appointment to go over the referral and hope it can be redone so that dinky can get some support.
The GP appointment was a nightmare, the GP was condesending, patronising, jumped to conclusions and raised her voice at me. Of course I didn't take it well, I shouted back and walked out.
I wrote a complaint and saw a practice partner who was also a GP to discuss the referral. While we were there Dinky managed to pull the cover of the scales, get herself stuck under the bed, and pull the cuff off the blood pressure monitor. She was also highly disruptive, kept interrupting and when playing was very loud. So the GP did the referral properly.
I signed it and it was sent.
We are on the first floor of the hostel and the woman under us has two kids.. A 2 year old and a 2 month old. The week or so before she had started putting the heating up to 26 degrees celecius. I am not a fan of heat. It makes me very irritable. So we got into this I turn it down, she turns it up, I turn it back down, she turns it back up battle. I asked others if they were hot and each of them said yes, it was too hot in the hostel. So I researched temperatures and babies rooms are supposed to be between 16 and 20 degrees as anything higher could increase the risk of cot death. I wrote a note and stuck it to the thermostat. She came pounding up the stairs. Apparently her 2 month old had a blocked nose and a little cough so it must be flu... I know... Hypochondriac in the house! I told her what the NHS website recommended and she ignored it and began shouting. I was not in the mood so I left it. Over the course of 5 days we had 3 discussions. She let slip that she always had her window open and that she didn't put blankets on him. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I lost my temper a little and said that if she wanted to put her kid at risk because she was too stupid to close the window so be it. Then she said "I feel like I'm being picked on... Is it because of my colour?" I almost hit the roof! I am white, she is Asian. But that never crossed my mind! I told her "I don't care if you are White, Black, Asian or pink with polka dots for that matter... If you wind me up and make me uncomfortable I will say something!"
Racist? I have never been racist, I always had this saying when confronting racists 'everyone is human, cut us and we all bleed the same colour'. I can't and won't tolerate racism. The same as I can not and will not tolerate being called a racist because I disagree with someone who just happens to be a different colour on the outside.
Dinky started play therapy at school that week too. And I had parents evening, the teacher was nice, but said Dinky needs to listen more, pay attention, do as she is asked, stop talking constantly, stop using the toilet as an excuse not to do school work, and she can get angry and aggressive so much so the teacher (Mrs N) has learnt not to touch her and to remove herself and other children from dinky when she gets angry. Dinky also is very concerned about the welfare of her friends and is becoming increasingly worried about where I am which is the complete opposite of what should happen as children settle into school.
Nothing I didn't know but it is still hard to hear. All of these things are on dinkys referral to CAMHS.
So when I told S about the fortnight in between appointments she was slightly taken aback. She conceded that I was right and that things never are simple in my world. I seem to spend the hour every fortnight just going through all the crap from the previous 2 weeks. She could not understand how I laughed about it all and how I seemed happy especially after being down the previous 2 times I saw her. I told her I am used to it.
I only have one appointment left in two weeks before she goes on holiday for Christmas.
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