This morning was pretty ordinary, until we got into the classroom.
Dinky put her bag and coat away ok, put her name on the bard and got her book.. All good! We sit down at the table and open the book to 'oo'. Dinky also had to write the words foot and food to illustrate the two lengths of 'oo' sounds. The f's were going a little wonky as she wouldn't sit on her chair properly. I was helping her form them in the correct manner by saying the shape was perfect we just needed the letters the right way up. The classroom was getting busy and I could sense dinky was getting on edge. I tried to keep her calm and focused, then the teacher came over and in her teacher voice (projective voice/not quite shouting but louder than normal) said "Remember today's sound is 'oo'" she dropped down to dinkys level and still in the teacher voice asked her how she was doing. Dinky threw the pencil down and hid under the table. I managed to coax her out. We then went off to the library to finish her work. The LSA (learning support assistant) came over and helped calm dinky down a bit as she was still not quite calm. We managed to get dinky to write some more letters and then took it back to the classroom. This morning I left dinky with the new TA, she seemed ok with it, so I left.
I went to the pharmacy and managed to get some more nicotine replacement, and got my money back for the out of date lozenges they sold me yesterday. Went home and did the washing, then thought I would take a little nap. The woman downstairs had other ideas! To be honest I don't know why she is still here! She got her keys to her brand spanking new house yesterday, surely she would move all her crap in her car that day and leave this ace never to return? Hell, the day I get my keys I will be well shot of this place! It just goes to show what a muppet she really is!
I did manage to get 1 hour of nap time. I went to have a shower but she was bathing her two sons so the shower wasn't working... Was starting to get more pissed off with her by this point... Move out already! So I had to wait an hour for the shower as this place is so bloody old it has a water tank that needed to refill.
I got to the hospital with 5 minutes until my appointment, as per usual for hospital appointments he was running late. So I started reading my book, and then got called in. The woman in there told me to strip to the waist and lay on the couch while she fetched the specialist. He bounded in, all cheerful asked me to point out the lump and then he started scanning. I felt very tense and my mind kept wondering back to the past. Thankfully I didn't have a flashback but just remembered certain things that J used to do. I just felt sick. After a few hmmm's and ahhh's he looked at me and smiled. It's a cyst, we could drain it but it should disappear by itself. He asked if it was painful, when I said it wasn't, he said he'd leave it in that case and if it got painful just go back to the GP. He said I had quite lumpy breasts and my hormones must be a little haywire and my breasts have reacted. I thought this was one of the oddest things I had heard in my life! It was just the distraction I needed. He looked at me and asked if I was ok, before I got the chance to reply he said "you are ok, I'll leave you to get dressed, when you are ready go get yourself a nice cup of tea and relax!" and he left. He was lovely, I think he must have picked up on how I was feeling. I got myself ready and walked out. Seeing as I don't drink tea I just put my headphones in and stopped for a minute. I was feeling a little fragile and for some reason a tad emotional. I sent a message to a woman I have become friends with from a sexual abuse group and let her know it was just a cyst and to thank her for her previous messages she had sent today. I told her I was a little fragile but ultimately relieved that I now know what it is.
Then it was off to get dinky. When I got on the bus my phone rang. It was the mind advocate. She asked how I was and if I'd heard anything back from CMHT. I told her I was ok and that I hadn't heard anything. She said she would get onto tomorrow for me. That was nice of her.
It started snowing as I walked up to the childminders house. I had no trouble finding the place. I rang the bell and the minder answered. Dinky took one look at me and darted off upstairs. The minder went to get her but dinky was in full screaming meltdown. Once she had managed to get dinky down the stairs I managed to get her to tell me what was wrong even though she was still really distressed. Dinky whispered in my ear that she wanted to stay longer in between racking sobs. When I told her that she couldn't stay any longer today she starting hitting me. She actually got in a few punches to my face and I was finding it hard to keep my cool. She was rapidly losing her special time for lashing out, she lost the last of it for spitting at me. Between the minder and myself we managed to get dinky's wellies on, and I literally picked her up and walked her out of the house. The snow was coming down, I hadn't managed to get her coat on her and the paths were covered in ice. She ran off down an icy slope, my heart was in my mouth. I ran after her and had to hold her for her own safety. I managed to get her calm enough to walk with me. Then I managed to get her coat on her. Then we made it to the bus stop. She was still a little stressed so I told her I loved her very much. Nothing could ever stop me loving her, even when she is upset and angry I still love her. Even when she shouts and hits me, I love her, and that I'm always here for her. We had a cuddle and finally she was back to calm.
Once we got on the bus she seemed much happier and told me that she had fun. She also told me that the older child had taken the younger child's seat which made her cry, then the minder came to tell the older one off and it was too noisy, so she put her fingers in her ears until it all stopped and then took her hands down when she was given a toy to look at. I thought it was a little odd that it was one of the two things she told me about her day.
I asked her if she had fun with the play therapist and she told me they played with the house and the red squishy frog!
There was no way dinky would have walked the 15 minutes in the snow which was coming down pretty heavy by that point. So I called a cab and we got off the bus. When we got back dinky seemed pretty happy. She had some dinner and then went to bed. I think the 20 minute meltdown affected her. For the first time in a while she fell asleep half an hour after I put her to bed.
Now I'm just drained. It's been a long afternoon.
So that's it for today....One less thing to worry about!
My way of getting through....
Bring on tomorrow... It's just another day!
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