It probably doesn't help that I have not been in the best of moods lately, but where do people get off telling me what jobs I should take, where I should take them and when?
Isn't it enough that I'm homeless, waiting for appointments left right and centre because my entire world has crashed down around me in 2012? Obviously not.
It seems that I must not only deal with everything I have got on but I must also look for employment and deal with things in the right manner. Apparently I'm not allowed to be angry. I'm not allowed to go into periods of depression. I have to just handle it like nothing affects me or my daughter. Everyone is quite happy when I am hyper, unless I go too hyper and as long as I don't embarrass them in public.
I'm sick of living by everyone else's rules my feelings be damned!
This is why it was easier when I wasn't aware of the extent as to how I was being used and manipulated. Ignorance can be bliss, because knowing that the way people treat me is wrong just leads to anger that everyone says in unacceptable. Well fuck you very much!
I'm also sick of people trying to fix things. Get a job here, get a job there. It's ok for you love, you have qualifications and a ten ton of experience in your field that most people wouldn't consider as a job to go for. How many times do I have to explain it?
I don't have qualifications and can't work weekends, all I have is 5 years experience working for one of the most disrespected companies in retail.
All the entry level jobs for offices ect are going to 16-25 year old apprenticeships. Which means the company can pay a pittance in wages while the person is under apprenticeship. Why would they pay more for someone just as inexperienced as those they will pay next to nothing for?
I can't go into education because the job centre expect me to look for work in february, and that is without the fact that sometimes my concentration is so low/go through periods of depression that there is no way I would be able to pass a course.
I'm not too bothered about the type of job I do. The only jobs I wouldnt consider are a carer and a waitress. Carer because I don't think I could handle working with older people and changing their adult nappies or helping them to the toilet or bathing them. Firstly I'd probably gag at the smell of adult excrement, and I don't think I could deal with washing naked people.
A lack of concentration and poor handwriting would rule me out of waitressing. Plus there is the added fact that most of that work is evening and weekend work.
I've looked at McDonald's, burger king, Tesco, asda, sainsburys, morrisons, Iceland, marks and Spenser, BHS, debenhams, hmv, mothercare, Disney store, next, currys, hobby craft, clarks, blacks, cex, Argos, tkmaxx, the entertainer, toy barnhaus, the early learning centre, superdry, boots, the apple store, Vodafone, ee, waterstones, whsmith, and more. Only one or two had vacancies and all required weekends.
I have applied for a job doing laundry at a care home because they don't need weekends as a rule. I have applied for other jobs which I probably won't get because of the amount of people applying who have relevant experience or better availability.
Stop telling me what I can and can't do. I am fully aware of my options! They just happen to be more limited than you know. It's not like I'm not trying! It's not like I'm saying I'm going to do what I can to get signed off. It's not like I'm actually giving in to the situations I find myself in at the moment! The whole thing is going to be a nightmare, logistics, moving, dinky. It won't be easy but I'm not saying I won't do anything.
I'm sick of it. I'm sick of people telling what to do, how to act. I've spent my whole life putting up with it. You don't like how I am? Do one! I don't need more people controlling me, pitying me, looking down on me and patronising me. I've had my fill of that. Join the back of the long line and wait your turn for your pop at me. Just don't expect me to be fucking grateful for it!
"your doing the best you can and you can't expect anymore of yourself". No? So why do you and everyone else expect more from me? Why am I not allowed to say I'm not doing very well? Why am I not allowed to cave under the pressure? What makes me so special that I should be able to continue to (quote from another person) "no matter what life throws at you, you still manage to behave with dignity and compassion."? Why can't I fall apart?
Oh no, I have to maintain this stupid illusion of being strong and capable of getting through anything, just to make everyone else feel better!
It would be nice if one of these people took stock of everything going on and said "you know what? Your situation sucks, but you can do this." and instead of trying to fix things with comments that don't apply to the situation or them being ignorant of the way these things work, they ask "is there anything you can do/ what are you doing?" Rather than assuming I don't know what I'm doing. It's patronising. I'm not a child, I know what I can and can't do in all of the situations, I don't need your comments which make me feel I have to argue my point because you are wrong. Then you get the hump because I'm being argumentative.
Fuck the lot of you! You get on with your lives and let me worry about how I'm going to get myself out if this mess I AM IN. That's right, Me not you! You all know what one or two of the situations are like, but not all at the same time. Yet the things you are advising me on you know nothing about!
Rant over.... If only I was strong enough to say these things to the people who need to hear them!
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